Archive for September, 2007

The Great White Disgusting

Posted in Culture with tags , on September 30, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

The world’s Caucasian population has successfully bred itself disgusting. Really fucking disgusting. I mean downright appalling. Every time I leave the comforts of my room, I am exposed to thousands of people which I want to remain at least 5 feet from at all times. I mean, you never know if that shit is contagious, right? Anyways…how did this happen? Well, white people got comfortable. Allow me to elaborate.

In early times, all people regardless of race lived pretty much the same way…you used your muscles to do something. It was the Caucasians in Europe that developed technology the fastest, though. Goods like steel products and duck butter could be produced at a higher volume with less work. Suddenly, whites began thinking they were better, and started taking over other parts of the world, taking slaves, baking cake and eating it too…you all know basic history. What’s not in the books is the general movement towards repulsive, starting in the 1970’s.

The 1970’s brought computers into the mainstream, a management revolution took place, food was transformed, and the hippy movement consumed America. Intolerable things like untamed body hair and poor hygiene were viewed as okay. Hierarchical management policies allowed assholes who previously of little use to society to sit in cushy chairs and get fat telling people how to work (*ever seen a thin manager??). These people quickly went from the bottom of the social chain to the upper crust of society. Food additives and preservatives only worsened our already declining society’s health. Computers had the biggest impact; white people became pastier, people became more anti-social than before, and CRT monitor radiation made eyesight worse. Then, all these people began to interbreed, and our genes have been stained since.

The problem is now more real than ever. Corrective lenses allow people to watch people doing stupid shit outside on youtube instead of actually going outside themselves. Game consoles mimic real outdoor activities like the Wii sports collection. You think the Japanese play Wii? Fuck no. They go outside and play golf with all the money made from sales in the United States. Have you ever seen a fat person on MXC? Fuck no. The spinning rolly thing would knock their asses into that sewage water much faster if they weren’t in shape. Online forums and blogs provide a chance to become even more socially inept. The skinny kids lower their sperm count with gallons of Mountain Dew and the fat kids cook up enough frozen fried food to induce coronary failure in a horse, all while jerking off to anime after a successful raid for level 56 shoulder armor.

The solution?? We need more bullies and start sculpting people early in life. You know what effect getting a basketball crammed up your ass everyday in gym class prompts kids to do? They start lifting weights or running so they can run away or defend themselves. Getting picked for being overweight makes you think twice about eating that fourth hot pocket. Remember that kid with glasses that always got slammed in the face with a dodgeball? Yeah, he has perfect 20/20 vision now. If you smell like shit and you get a swirly from the 180 pound 5th grader, chances are you are going to shower in an effort not to offend his olfactory receptors the next day. A bully is a social tool not unlike a police tazer. A tazer gets shit done. Bottom line.

The long term solution is quite simple; the people who take care of themselves end up mating, leaving the degenerates lonely and offspring free. Natural selection at its best. In the meantime, I’m gonna find me a nice asian girl.

Cheers.

A DWI and You…

Posted in Stories with tags , on September 28, 2007 by Bieltan

DWI: “driving while intoxicated”

I experienced receiving a DWI first hand. I made the choice to get fucked up one night and made the 2 mile drive back to my house. Then as i decided to “peal out” in my Ford Escort Red Wagon, Deputy Droopalong decided to investigate. 6 months and $13k later I received a nice stamp on my record saying you fucked up.

Now my gripe isn’t with me fucking up, or with Deputy Droopalong (although some days i so wish i could drop kick him in the nuts), but with the “informative session” I had to take during the 6 months. it was not the 6 week class (which was really informative btw) but the 1 session where 4 speakers get up on stage and cried about there dead relatives.

Its terrible they lost someone, but each speaker decided to take a spin on there talk. They blamed everyone in the room for being the direct result for there deaths. Are you kidding me?? Ever hear of natural selection, or maybe when your fucking time comes its time to go?? Don’t sit there blaming me for your husbands horrible death. I was lucky i didn’t kill anyone, but if i died, or i killed someone. That’s fucking LIFE. All of you politically correct fucks who do not want to offend anyone are infecting the daily life of everyone else by blaming everyone else but the person who just so happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Don’t get me wrong, a person whose drunk driving should do jail time. You do something wrong, you should get punished. But life sucks, deal with it and dont blame the rest of us for your misfortune.

Why SUVs Suck, and Why You are a Shithead for Owning One

Posted in Motorism with tags , on September 26, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

I dislike engineers. Actually, I hate them. Engineers are the scourge of the Earth; they design things that are difficult to make, difficult to use, and impossible to repair. In fact, only God and Satan like Engineers. Why you ask? Well, simply put, engineers create new and exciting ways for people to kill themselves and others, thus sending lots of good and bad souls to their respective afterlives. This being said, it is the Engineers that are to blame for SUVs, which is the topic of Ruko’s rant today.

In the 1970’s, a bunch of automotive engineers developed the hatch back. After taking a generous portion of mescaline and blowing a line or two, an automotive engineer named Frank Warsaw said “lets have sex with that polar bear at the zoo!”. After his colleagues convinced Frank that it was not a good idea to fornicate with animals from the tundra, he said “lets make the worst vehicle ever!”. In their altered states, it seemed like a good idea in some kind of weird, reverse psychology way and voila! the hatchback was born. Frank was wrong though…the hatchback was not the worst vehicle ever. Frank would never see him dream however; he died in the early 1980’s from excruciatingly painful stomach cancer.

The worst vehicle ever is without argument the SUV (Sport Utility Vehicle). If a truck and a minivan were to procreate and produce an offspring, it would most likely resemble a very tiny SUV. But when that little SUV hit puberty, it would start growing weather stripping in weird places and gain all of the disadvantages of its kind. But…why do SUVs make baby Jesus cry? Here are the top 5 reasons:

(cut on the dotted line and carry in your wallet!)

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1. If you own an SUV, it means you are probably a minority (sorry….its true), a middle aged adult in denial about how uneventful your life has become and convinced that an SUV will “bring the outdoors to your back yard”, or unable to buy that Porsche and over compensating the best way you can.

2. The Gangsta Constant: rim size is directly proportional to drive by shooting accuracy. (OMG!!! More blatant racial generalization!)

3. The gas mileage of an SUV is often on par with that of the Emma Maersk cargo tanker. Hope you can take a second mortgage on your house to fill the tank every morning :(

4. Only in the United States do owners call SUVs “trucks”. The rest of the world (in places where people will actually buy them) they are considered a car. SUVs are not often sold elsewhere however, as foreign countries know better.

5. SUVs are responsible for nearly 60% of current automotive pollution in this country, making them an effective planetary heater. They have also increased American fuel consumption by 40%, making gasoline much more expensive. Thanks, pricks.

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So, now that you spent your dead grandmother’s inheritance on the down payment of a shiny new Trailblazer, or Explorer, or Escalade, or whatever, you are ready to do all of those sport utility things! Of course, you are not able to do any off roading at all, or trailering anything, or getting a load of mulch, or picking up an appliance from Home Depot, or loading up all of those dead hookers in your basement, or anything that is either sporty or utilitarian. The only sport-like things you can do are forcing all smaller vehicles off the road and using up more parking spaces than a 103 year old woman in a Lincoln town car at a Walmart parking lot. Hopefully your family of snot nosed kids in said SUV will die along with you when your top heavy SUV rolls into a ravine. Those 173 airbags will keep the splatter to a minimum so the rest of your family can enjoy an open casket funeral.

So. If you haven’t already gotten the point, why are you a shithead for owning the most worthless pile of shit vehicle ever? In a nutshell: you are cooking Earth, causing and killing more people in accidents, increasing gasoline prices, fueling the chrome dub market, and really pissing the rest of us off because you take up at least 2 parking spaces at a time. You are an asshole, and the devil has a special place reserved just for you.

That’s all for now…I hope you kiddies have learned something today!

Iranian Drugs Make You Retarded

Posted in News, Politics with tags , on September 25, 2007 by The Romanian

Based on President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s visit to Columbia University you could say that he is smoking some sort of crack laced with uranium. Let’s take a quick look at some of his remarks. “In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country.” and “In Iran we do not have this phenomenon [homosexuality], I don’t know who has told you that we have it.” Publicly denying homosexuals is only his was of trying to appease his religious radical boss (see Ali Khamenei) and piss off everyone else with that horse shit. What he meant to say was that he scared them into hiding to avoid persecution, imprisonment, torture, and death.

Then he stated that the Holocaust was just a theory, open to debate and research. Those statements were a direct attack at the emotions of the Jewish people. When confronted about Jews he replied: “We love all people, We are friends of the Jews. There are many Jews living peacefully in Iran.” Bullshit. Again he is deluded and is kissing Khamenei’s ass. Furthermore, he explained that Iran did not recognize Israel “because it is based on ethnic discrimination, occupation and usurpation, and it consistently threatens its neighbors.” Perhaps that’s why Iran funds Palestinian extremists and endorses the destruction of Israel. That however is somewhat true, it was widely suspected and then confirmed that Israel tortures Palestinians once they are captured. If you want a source Google it and the other evil shit the Jews do as well.

You have to applaud Columbia University for creating a forum where you can here everything coming from the source. However, I do not think that Lee Bollinger should have been such a hostile host. Ask your questions nicely and let the man speak he does not need your help to prove to everyone he is insane and evil. Mr. Bollinger suggested that he was “a petty and cruel dictator” that he was “either brazenly provocative or astonishingly uneducated.” That was not necessary. Ahmadinejad replied eloquently to that by saying that:

“In Iran, tradition requires when you invite a person to be a speaker, we actually respect our students enough to allow them to make their own judgment, and don’t think it’s necessary before the speech is even given to come in with a series of complaints to provide vaccination to the students and faculty. Nonetheless, I shall not begin by being affected by this unfriendly treatment.”

All those remarks only fueled the Iranian people’s disrespect/hatred for the West. Because that is precisely what they admire in him, his defiance. For better or worst Mr. Imadinnerjacket is their leader, do not attack him, let him dig his own grave. And being the monster and lunatic that he is, he will.

Rusty Coat Hanger

Posted in Health, Politics with tags , on September 14, 2007 by The Romanian

This could have been a story about that special loved one, family member, or teammate that just makes life worth living; it’s not. This is about that person that exists in everyones life, a parasitic leech attached to someone you care about or a person that is malicious towards you for no reason. You may or may not know this person but they are talking shit about you right now. This virus manifests themselves differently for each person so we will spare details and cut directly to the solution.

My proposal is simple: extend a woman’s right to choose. Extend that right to society as a whole, and to a term of at least however many years and however many months old that cunt may be right now. This is necessary because those conniving individuals have somehow missed their appointment with fate, as a puddle of flesh and blood, on the floor of Examining Room #7 of Planned Parenthood.

Unfortunately, at this late date this “procedure” can no longer be performed by a pill, fancy surgical vacuum cleaner, or the preferred method in the early days of our Republic, the rusty coat hanger. So instead, every municipality should to have a dedicated pack of vicious, starved, inbred, ritualistically tortured Doberman pincers. Upon a proper filing of grievance with the local authorities, this pack of rabies infected mutts will be unleashed upon their target, freeing you and your loved one from unnecessary drama and misery.

Perhaps this may seem too drastic or crude. Then instead next time you see a pregnant bitch, who looks like they are going to give birth to a fucking useless excuse for a human being. Kick them in the stomach.