I dislike engineers. Actually, I hate them. Engineers are the scourge of the Earth; they design things that are difficult to make, difficult to use, and impossible to repair. In fact, only God and Satan like Engineers. Why you ask? Well, simply put, engineers create new and exciting ways for people to kill themselves and others, thus sending lots of good and bad souls to their respective afterlives. This being said, it is the Engineers that are to blame for SUVs, which is the topic of Ruko’s rant today.
In the 1970’s, a bunch of automotive engineers developed the hatch back. After taking a generous portion of mescaline and blowing a line or two, an automotive engineer named Frank Warsaw said “lets have sex with that polar bear at the zoo!”. After his colleagues convinced Frank that it was not a good idea to fornicate with animals from the tundra, he said “lets make the worst vehicle ever!”. In their altered states, it seemed like a good idea in some kind of weird, reverse psychology way and voila! the hatchback was born. Frank was wrong though…the hatchback was not the worst vehicle ever. Frank would never see him dream however; he died in the early 1980’s from excruciatingly painful stomach cancer.
The worst vehicle ever is without argument the SUV (Sport Utility Vehicle). If a truck and a minivan were to procreate and produce an offspring, it would most likely resemble a very tiny SUV. But when that little SUV hit puberty, it would start growing weather stripping in weird places and gain all of the disadvantages of its kind. But…why do SUVs make baby Jesus cry? Here are the top 5 reasons:
(cut on the dotted line and carry in your wallet!)
————————————————————————————————
1. If you own an SUV, it means you are probably a minority (sorry….its true), a middle aged adult in denial about how uneventful your life has become and convinced that an SUV will “bring the outdoors to your back yard”, or unable to buy that Porsche and over compensating the best way you can.
2. The Gangsta Constant: rim size is directly proportional to drive by shooting accuracy. (OMG!!! More blatant racial generalization!)
3. The gas mileage of an SUV is often on par with that of the Emma Maersk cargo tanker. Hope you can take a second mortgage on your house to fill the tank every morning 
4. Only in the United States do owners call SUVs “trucks”. The rest of the world (in places where people will actually buy them) they are considered a car. SUVs are not often sold elsewhere however, as foreign countries know better.
5. SUVs are responsible for nearly 60% of current automotive pollution in this country, making them an effective planetary heater. They have also increased American fuel consumption by 40%, making gasoline much more expensive. Thanks, pricks.
———————————————————————————————————–
So, now that you spent your dead grandmother’s inheritance on the down payment of a shiny new Trailblazer, or Explorer, or Escalade, or whatever, you are ready to do all of those sport utility things! Of course, you are not able to do any off roading at all, or trailering anything, or getting a load of mulch, or picking up an appliance from Home Depot, or loading up all of those dead hookers in your basement, or anything that is either sporty or utilitarian. The only sport-like things you can do are forcing all smaller vehicles off the road and using up more parking spaces than a 103 year old woman in a Lincoln town car at a Walmart parking lot. Hopefully your family of snot nosed kids in said SUV will die along with you when your top heavy SUV rolls into a ravine. Those 173 airbags will keep the splatter to a minimum so the rest of your family can enjoy an open casket funeral.
So. If you haven’t already gotten the point, why are you a shithead for owning the most worthless pile of shit vehicle ever? In a nutshell: you are cooking Earth, causing and killing more people in accidents, increasing gasoline prices, fueling the chrome dub market, and really pissing the rest of us off because you take up at least 2 parking spaces at a time. You are an asshole, and the devil has a special place reserved just for you.
That’s all for now…I hope you kiddies have learned something today!
Keep up the good fight, keep driving that Yugo!
Thank you, I am an environmentalist.
P.S. If SUV’s were banned in my lifetime, that would be an awesome change for this world, SUVs represent all that is bad in society. My Honda Fit Hatchback is awesome.
P.S. 2. Down with Stephen Harper, he has no plan for the environment.
The World would be a much prettier place without em’
I agree with all you said. SUV’s are BIG cars for SMALL people. I always love seeing some idiot in a huge SUV with a “Proud American” bumper sticker or the like! I guess you must also be proud to give huge amount of money to people who hate the U.S. everytime they go to the gas pump!
A Honda Fit won’t get me to my Cabin like my Jeep Liberty Does and any pussy ass car won’t pull my Travel Trailer like my Dodge Ram. I agree the people that don’t NEED a Truck/SUV should not drive one but If you have the need and want to pay to play you don’t need Eco Nazis whining about your vehicle choice.
I love when fat ass people complain they can’t fit into a smaller vehicle. Who’s fault is that? Why don’t you lose weight asshole? The rest of have to suffer because you’re lazy? We need to get these death traps off our roads. The worst vehicles ever. This shows the stupidity of people these days. Could never understand the attraction of SUVs. Hey folks, it’s an ugly box that’s get lousy mileage and handles like crap. People who think these vehicles are safer are dead wrong. They lack agilty to keep you out of an accident in the first place. Plus they tie up traffic. You see people speeding in these things all the time, but it takes a long time to reach these speeds because of their massive weight. It’s interesting because cities nationwide are spending money out the ying yang to widen roads because of gridlock. But the problem of these slow heavy vehicles is never addressed. Things will never change because of the American mentality. People who own these things should be ashamed of themselves.
(GASP) Another pussy environmentalist, you are a dumbass, I love SUV’s and I’m going to get a 1996-99 Chevy Tahoe LT and theres nothing you can do about, it now go eat a bottle of aspirine Faggot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!