Archive for October, 2007

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George Bush’s Guide to Halloween Candy Bag Snatching

Posted in Politics, Stories with tags , on October 31, 2007 by Rob

In the misspent Halloweens of my youth many pumpkins were smashed, windows soaped, and bags of candy snatched. There were several basic techniques involved in stealing the candy of little ghosts, goblins, and princesses. These included the snatch and bolt, the slit bag, and the straight forward “hey you little turd, give me your candy or else” trick. In my neighborhood it was survival of the fittest, fastest, and most importantly, survival of the friends of Kurt Wallace, a sixth grader with a beard, size 13 Jordan’s, and standardized test scores that could single handily lose any elementary school their No Child Left Behind subsidies. Alas, the coming of age ritual of snatching candy bags has been co-opted by George Bush, Dick Cheney, and their neo-conservative operatives.

The process of snatching the candy from small children has taken a sinister and hi-tech turn. Warentless wiretaps of the homes of subversive children have revealed the planning of pagan Halloween rituals. Here is the transcript of one such conspiratorial conversation:

Tommy: Hey Jimmy, my mom is bringing me and my sister over to your house at six to go trick-or-treating.

Jimmy: Do we have to bring your sister; she’s such a pain in the ass.

Tommy: Yeah, but we can ditch her like last year.

Jimmy: Nice, see you at six.

Once an obvious terrorist islamofascist plot like this is revealed the Department of Homeland Security leaps to action – intent on depriving these Taliban sympathizers the spoils of their plot. At 6:15 a black SUV follows Jimmy and Tommy as they collect their bounty. At 7:37, with candy bags bulging, the terrorists head for home, when suddenly five heavily armed Blackwater operatives burst from the SUV, grab the boys, and speed off. Tommy and Jimmy are handcuffed, blindfolded, and taken to an Air Force base. Their candy is confiscated, but this is not enough in these dangerous times.

The boys are flown to a secret prison in Romania where they are stripped of there clothes and forced to watch reruns of teletubbies until they are babbling mindlessly like, like – ah – well – teletubbies.

Meanwhile, back in the United States Jimmy and Tommy’s parents are in a state of panic. Local authorities are directed by the NSA not to waste their time searching for the boys, but will say no more. The parents are confronted with the fact that with the repeal of habeas corpus, their children could be anywhere, could have been seized by any number of government agencies, and they are left with no recourse.

In Romania, White House approved “soft” interrogation tactics reveal Jimmy and Tommy are part of an operation much larger than the extorting of candy from local residents and funneling of the proceeds to Syrian terrorist camps. After six hours of waterboarding, Tommy admits that he is in-fact the owner of the Willy Wonka chocolate factory, and has indoctrinated over 200 oompa-loompa’s . Jimmy, after losing seven toenails, three fingertips, and his left ear, added that he and Tommy had conspired with Gene Wilder, the factories original owner, in converting the factory to an IED production facility.

For these crimes the boys are tried before an impromptu military tribunal, and sentenced to death by Blackwater target shooting.

Three weeks later their bodies wash up in the Tigris River, missing their jawbones and fingers, making any attempt to identify them impossible. Not that anyone would care anyways since they were assumed to be Iraqis.

Back home the boys’ disappearance is attributed, by Fox News, to Hillary Clinton’s proposed health care plan. Gene Wilder and all the Baldwin brothers are sent to Gitmo for reprogramming, and the alleged downtown San Francisco site of the Willy Wonka munitions factory is nuked.

Happy Halloween !!!

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Channeling Possesed Shit

Posted in Culture with tags , on October 29, 2007 by The Romanian

I never cease to be impressed by the kind of people you get to see on television. I turned on the local news channel this morning to check the weather. There was a video journalist reporting on Paranormal Activity at one of the local cemeteries. It has always seemed to me that video journalists are stupid and shady, it’s hard to trust someone that you never get to see. Anyway… These two fucking bull dykes were standing in a cemetery, one with a camera, one with a pen and pad, you know the proper equipment required to record paranormal activity. The first one of was explaining how when she walks by the graves she feels something (in her twat) from the other side (a black guy). The other was explaining how she goes into a trance and starts drawing people from the other side. The drawings looked like aliens from bad 1960′s movies. Sometimes when they take pictures in the cemetery they see a light in the frame, more commonly known as glare.

The strange thing was the report was not a documentary, instead it was shown during the news, the fucking NEWS. The only time when television is supposed to be about current events and/or facts, during the news, that’s when they decided to have a report about two mental cases with a hobby. It’s sad that the right the most unbiased television news source in North America today is BBC News (British Broadcasting Corporation). I understand that there are some disillusioned people out there that are somehow interested in this horseshit but can we please keep it out of the news. I think the last thing anyone needs is to provide the IQ-deficient of this country any sort of credibility to a subject that is preposterous. Not to mention all the other subjects that are crap during the news.

This brings me to a good reason not to die: some yo-yo bitch is going to draw an unflattering portrait of your ghost. What ever happened to Resting In Peace? Leave the graves of the deceased alone, out of respect for them and their families. These stories were made up long ago for entertainment. It’s 2007 and it’s about time we separate fact from fiction, keep the news and storytelling separate. If people really want to contact ghosts let them try on their own time not mine. The best way to see into the netherworld is to drink drain cleaner, everyone knows that.

In conclusion: Fuck people that believe in talking to the dead and fuck the news for putting them on TV.

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All the KY in the World Won’t Make it Fit

Posted in Stories with tags on October 26, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

I am 5’11” tall and weigh approximately 200 pounds. The picture to the left is me standing next to a 52” RCA rear projection television. Nobody ever got to watch “Growing Up Gotti” on this television. Read on.

Several weeks after receiving an Associates degree from a small Community College, I took a job at local retail giant Circuit City selling computers. My reasoning was that of every other person with an Associates degree… “This job will just be a temporary thing until I find a better job”. There is an unseen flaw in this thinking however; there isn’t a better job. An Associates diploma would be worth so much more if it was printed on Quilted Northern toilet paper. Why? Well, diploma paper doesn’t work nearly as well as toilet paper when you wipe your ass with it (and you will, because it sure as shit isn’t increasing your chances in the job market). Like the countless others who fell into this trap to become “lifers” of a retail chain, I began to settle into a career of retail hell.

I was getting sick of it though. Nearly 2 years ago, I gave up selling computers and moved to the warehouse. This was an attempt to get away from the masses of stupid fucking consumer whores, yet I found a “new breed” of stupid there. I like to call these poor souls “the physical dimension impaired” people. The name is self explaining; these people don’t understand physical dimensions…at all.

My only contact with customers in the warehouse is when I have to load a television into somebody’s vehicle. This usually isn’t an issue as most customers make accommodations to arrive with a truck or other vehicle large enough for the task. Not the physical dimension impaired however…they won’t hesitate to purchase a 50” Plasma, pull up in their ’96 Geo Metro, and expect it to fit in the back seat on top of all the other garbage piled there. This shit happens way too fucking often and it began to really fuck with my calm. Enter Ken asst. store manager to my Circuit City. Ken is also physical dimension impaired.

Ken had sold a 52” rear projection RCA television to a stupid dago of about 40 years old. This man backed up in a beat up 1984 Crown Victoria and popped the trunk. I first thought that the man was confused. I asked:

“Sir, are you hear for the RCA?”

“Yeah yeah, let’s get this thing in the trunk”

Now, mind you this TV stands 5 and ½ feet tall, is nearly 5 feet wide, and is almost 4 feet thick in its box. The asshole then asks me if I think he will be able to close the trunk with the television in there. No joke.

“sir, this TV is not going to fit into the trunk. It’s not even close”

“waddaya talkin about? I’ve fit bigger stuff back here before”

I am sure this man was also very confused about the size of his penis as he felt the need to adjust himself twice a second as he was arguing with me.

“Sir, unless your trunk somehow alters the time-space continuum, it’s not going to fit. You are going to have to get a truck or schedule to have it delivered.”

This guy got pretty pissed off about that comment; not that he understood my wit, but more-so that I told him he was wrong. I mean, I only do this thing for a living so it’s not like I know what I am talking about.

“Listen you shit, I wanna speak to your fuckin manager *wildly waving hands* right now, god damnit!!”

Like any good employee in the retail industry I went back inside and let the guy wait for the better part of 20 minutes while I did some other shit. I get paid by the hour. Asshole customers hate nothing more than waiting so naturally I make them wait as long as possible. Meanwhile, I collect my check.

After doing a quick clean up of the back dock, I went and got Ken. Ken spoke with the guy and hastily informed me that we were in fact going to fit the television into the trunk.

At this point I had become tired of arguing, so I grabbed the TV with the help of fuck face guinea-chenzo-guido-douchebag and Ken. Our attempt to get the television into the trunk was apparently so humorous that a small crowd of onlookers gathered to watch the ordeal. Twist it this way, flip it that way, push to the right…the scene was as clumsy as my first time attempting to have sex in high school.

After literally 10 minutes of this, the man said “hmmm. I think it will fit in the back seat.” Mind you, the back door dimensions were significantly smaller than that of the trunk. I looked at Ken, said “No” and went inside. I don’t get paid enough for that kind of shit.

The most interesting events would occur once I had left, however. Outside, the man became belligerent about having to pay for a delivery fee for the television. Once he became abusive, he was ordered to leave. The store manager then called the police whom quickly arrived at the scene (you know cops are just waiting to crack the skull of a belligerent customer with the billy club. They hardly ever get to use those things). After some words between the cop and the man he was arrested. The man resisted until they broke his nose on the trunk of the crusier. It’s amazing what a broken nose does to a man’s willingness to fight with a cop. As it would turn out, this man had three standing warrants.

As a measure of good customer service I removed the back panel of the television and forcefully dislodged some of the “extra” circuit board components to ensure proper function of the man’s $2000 television. They delivered it to his house the next day where it sat until he was released from jail/prison. This of course was way past any return policy or warranty coverage. I hope he enjoys it.

-Vaffanculo!!

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POW/MIA/LOL/WTF

Posted in Stories with tags , on October 23, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

God Bless America. Fuck the terrorists. Lolerskates @ those crazy old veterans and their outrageous antics.

Serene and peaceful Canandaigua, NY is home to a very old, beautiful VA Hospital. The brick and stone construction is reminiscent of the Ivy League colleges of the Northeast. Hundreds of WWII, Korean War, Vietnam War Veterans are now resident in one of the many copper and slate roofed buildings. Many of these brave soldiers are POWMIA (Prisoners of War/Missing in Action) and have experienced absolutely unspeakable, terrible, abhorrent things. It is no wonder that many of them are absolutely bat shit insane.

In mid afternoon many of the patients were allowed to walk off the premises, similar to a campus leave I suppose. Being that the VA Hospital was only a mile from downtown Canandaigua most would walk and frequent stores and shops located there. These veterans were very old and highly sedated for the most part. The veterans were always obvious by their style of walking called the “Canandaigua Shuffle”. The “Canandaigua Shuffle” is fairly self descriptive; the shuffler swayed from side to side as they walked, more or less dragging their feet on the ground. The shuffle was usually performed either hunched over or leaning way back, face pointed towards the sky. This was so common that residents there quickly became accustomed to it.

In a drunken stupor, several of my friends decided to interview a patient on main street, jamming a camera in his face and asking his opinions on the increasing deer population in the region. Here is his response:

“Not ho-day not ho-day, but maybe on Sunday. Three dollars buys a quart of milk. Lucky sevens lucky sevens if you get three sevens you might win. *mumble mumble* Dang-O Dang-O”

We watched that video at least 300 times. Anyways…you get the idea of the kind of crazy I speak of here. Nothing quite prepares a person for surprise public defecation though, and the first, second, third, and fourth time I saw the same VA patient shitting on the sidewalk, I nearly drove off of the road into a parked car. I am not sure what possessed this man to drop trout in the middle of public view and drop a deuce, but he did it ALL THE TIME. His favorite bathroom locations were the walkway in front of the Byrne Dairy store, or under a sapling outside of the Italian pizza place. What is funny to me is that nobody seemed to care. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t enjoy watching a 76 year old man pinch a loaf, especially while I am eating a slice of pizza on main street. I would think that a man shitting on hot pavement outside of a grocery store would be detrimental to business. Call me crazy.

As it would turn out, one of the guys responsible for taking the video of the village degenerate recently bought a house off of main street. His house was broken into last week by one of these VA patients. Instead of stealing something of value, my friend walked in to see a heavily sedated man standing in front of his television. This man was using my buddy’s toothbrush, his pants were dropped down to his ankles, and he was masturbating to some woman on a QVC commercial. Take a second to picture walking in and finding this in your house. He is now selling his house. Go figure.

Karma bitches, karma.

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I’ll Take 1 football and 1 Vasectomy

Posted in Sports with tags , , on October 17, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

I’ve never been a big fan of football. I enjoy playing it given that the contact is not so rough that I bleed my own blood. I enjoy the Super Bowl parties because of the food and drink. I even enjoy most of the sophomoric prime time Super Bowl commercials. Other than the Super Bowl, I will rarely watch a single football game.

This past Sunday I sat down and had a bowl of Wheaties while my roommate watched the Jets v. Eagles game. After an incomplete pass, the commentators began to talk about the play. The following was their dialogue:

“Oh! He missed that one Tom”
“Yup, he missed it. That was a good pass, but he just couldn’t keep his hands on it”
“He should have had that one. Great pass by Brady”
“You know, by the way he reached out for it, I thought he had it. Right through his hands there.”
“Yup. Right through his hands.”
“That pass was incomplete. They will make an another attempt for the first down”
“it’s no good, and the Eagles are back at the 42. They will have to try for the first down again”

As I listened to this, I wasn’t sure if either commentator was listening to what the other guy had said, or if one commentator wasn’t really sure what was going on. Either way, each comment was nearly identical to the previous statement of the other commentator. It was downright painful; I left before my brain hemorrhaged.

If you are a non football fan that has ever watched a football game or listened to commentary, you completely understand what I am talking about here. They constantly say stupid shit like “the quarterback throws the ball, the receiver catches it. That’s how you play football” or reiterate the play 6 times. I don’t personally know shit about football, but I understand the concept. One white guy throws the ball, a black guy catches it, and a bunch of fat guys try and crush him. If he catches the ball and crosses that little yellow line, both teams move up to that line. Simple.

I could never understand why they need all these people to talk about the game before, during, and after it. I mean, you don’t see this kind of thing on more complicated sports like pool or martial arts. Those commentators barely say anything. Why football?

Then it struck me. It’s all about the fans. Stupid rednecks love their football. You know why you never see the computer geeks at a football game? They don’t give a shit. Watching a bunch of people throw a ball around it boring to us (yeah. I’m a geek. You don’t like? Too fucking bad. It’s the geeks that run this world, bitch.). Not the rednecks though, dey luv dem sum footbal!! They love their Nascar too…they will watch those cars drive around in a circle all day like a cat watching a ceiling fan.

When I say redneck, I really mean stupid people. Redneck is a term I use loosely to describe much of the stupid blue color working class. Rednecks are the people too stupid to make it into college, or lacked the motivation to get an education. Either way, they are both equally as worthless.

Football was in fact created by rednecks in the early 1800′s. After misunderstanding the point of the saying “when pigs fly”, a group of rednecks began to kick a baby pig into the air. The baby pig could not fly, and died once it hit the ground. Seven baby pigs later, the rednecks realized that the mortality rate was greatly decreased if the pigs were caught. For this reason, modern footballs are referred to as “pigskins” even though they are made of cow leather and rubber. Football is bred into rednecks, and they don’t even know it.

Half way through writing this, I began to think that maybe I was wrong and that the two commentators were just idiots. After a quick search I found a youtube video where Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, some unknown asshat, and John Madden are talking about a game. No more than 12.35 seconds into the clip I reconfirmed my hatred for football commentators and went and beat the shit out of my roommate for enjoying football. Fellow editor Douche Nozzle is next~

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Remembering the Dead

Posted in Stories with tags on October 13, 2007 by Bieltan

I can’t speak for everyone, but almost everyone has lost at least 1 person close to them during their life time. A percentage of that dead population died because of a car crash. I have and it in one word it “Sucked”. These sad and terrible deaths cause turmoil within many people. Some deal with it with anger, some through alcohol, others deal with it with erecting a memorial at the site of the crash. Now here is where this rant begins.

Now imagine you just had a great day, you got a promotion at your job, your girlfriend gave you road head, or Christ you found a penny on the ground, doesn’t matter. But you’re driving down the road smiling….then you see this memorial. Now you’re forced for a fraction of a second to feel bad and your good day is out the fuckin window. Motha fucka, seriously, do I have to feel bad for your loss? No! Take that shit and keep it at home and cry yourself to sleep every time you see it. If your point was to have people slow down or not drink and drive, put up a “Retarded Children Ahead” sign, or join the “lets cry about my dead relative” club. Or maybe go to the CEMETERY and cry, not the side of the road. Don’t try and force others to feel bad with you. We don’t care!

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Top 10 Stupid Ways to Waste Money

Posted in General Humor with tags , , on October 13, 2007 by Rob
10. Dentists – Why pay money to fix your teeth when you know you’ll be back on your 2-litre of Mountain Dew a day habit within 24 hours? Plus – straightening you teeth isn’t going to make your nose smaller or your acne go away. Look at the British – not one nice smile in London and they used to practically rule the world.
9. Red Bull – Nothing like paying two or three dollars for 3oz of sugar water and caffeine. If you want more energy put down the cheeseburger and stop jerking-off four times a day.
8. Sports Jerseys with player names – Unless you are more a fan of the player than the team – guess what – that guy will not be playing in your town five years from now. Nothing like a Martinez shirt in Boston, or a Piazza jersey in New York. The only thing worse than paying $120 for a Red Sox Johnny Damon jersey two years ago is getting your ass kicked at Fenway Park for not having the common sense to leave it home during the Yankee series.
7. Premium Gas – I know I sound like a conspiracy theorist but do you ever wonder if there really is one really large tank under your local gas station with three spots for the tankers to hook up to? Oh yeah – while your at the gas station grab a Red-Bull and some beef jerky – and don’t worry you won’t get any change back for that $10 bill.
6. Beef Jerky – $6.59 for less than three ounces of leather tough beef that gives you gas and makes your breath smell like – well – like beef jerky. At these prices a “jerky” cow is worth at least 2 or 3 million dollars.
5. Personal Computers – Let’s be honest – this “revolutionary productivity tool” is nothing really but a glorified pornography portal that also allows you to communicate with people you want to fuck but who live in Japan and were born in the mid ‘90s .
4. Stadium Beer – $8 for a Coors light? In a plastic can? And it’s sort of warm? These are the benefits you get once you have paid a solid $40-$80 to get in the gate of any MLB, NHL, NFL, NBA and maybe ever MLS stadium– but who the fuck gives two shits about soccer?MLS is soccer – right? Anyway – the price of beer is one of the only advantages of living in a minor league city. You city slickers can keep paying $7.50 for your “King of Horse Piss” beer while I enjoy my $4 – 16oz microbrew.
3. Extended Warranties – TAP, POM, ESP, etc… No matter what the acronym all extended warranties are a rip. Trust me – I worked in consumer electronics retail – it’s a scam. The sales person IS lying to you. He/she is either on commission or under extreme duress to sell you the policy – or most likely both. Again – trust me – your salesman in not giving the manager a high five after you have left the store because he’s excited that you have “the coverage you deserve”.
2. Car Accessories – There is no better way to turn a $6000 Dodge Neon into a $4000 Dodge Neon than adding $2000 worth of racing stripes, exhaust pipes, spoilers and other shit that just screams “look at me- I wasted a ton of cash pimping out a Dodge Neon that has an average road life of three years!!! Yea!!!”
1. Alex Rodriguez – A-Rod has a regular season line that is incredible. At only 32 years old he has 2250 hits, 518 home runs, and a career .306 batting average. However, those MVP like stats don’t translate in the postseason. His numbers drop dramatically in all major offensive categories. Probably most telling is this tidbit from his stats page on MLB.com “There is no World Series data available” A-Rod has been to the playoffs seven times and never played in a World Series game!! This guy is a choker. Not worth $250 million.

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Fire in the Hole Down Below

Posted in Sports, Stories with tags , on October 10, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

I suffer from a medical condition called Axillary Hyperhidrosis. This simply means that I sweat profusely from the armpits.

ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME.

In the dead of winter you can rest assured that I am sweating my balls off (if I had balls in my armpit). I sweat while sleeping, I sweat while showering, I sweat non stop. I have tried nearly every anti perspirant on the planet, including prescription strength deodorant with no avail. The next step for me is to have nerves controlling the sweat glands removed, or to surgically cut out the sweat glands in my armpits. While it really sucks sweating through a clean shirt within 4 minutes, it’s definitely not the worst affliction on the planet. I now consider myself lucky after learning about Intractable Pruritis Ani.

Intractable Pruritis Ani is also known as “itchy ass” and has been mentioned in movies such as “Van Wilder” and “Lion King II”. This lovely problem causes a person’s butthole to itch with intensity so great that it often wakes victims from a dead sleep. Itching it only causes more problems, as the fragile skin there deteriorates rapidly. At this point, the wound begins to ooze interstitial fluid. Soon, infection sets in, which can cause anal seepage and uncontrollable bowel syndrome. Bacteria and fungal infection on site can also lead to hemorrhoids and Recursive Horniplostasis. In short, this disease effectively prevents a human from ever having sex again.

The worst part of this whole ordeal however, is the treatment. Intractable Pruritis Ani is treated with a topical solution of 8-Methyl-N-vanillyl-trans-6-nonenamide (Capsaicin). Capsaicin is the irritant produced by pepper plants which causes the burning sensation in your mouth or any other mucus membranes exposed to the chemical. It is the main ingredient in pepper spray and can cause severe pain and cellular death on contact. This means that treatment of Intractable Pruritis Ani entails rubbing pepper sauce on the swollen asshole of the sufferer. To help deal with the pain of treatment, some people repeatedly stab themselves in the eyeballs with a hot soldering iron.

I started to cry just thinking about it. And I am sweating. And happy about it.

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Sprint and Verizon Battle for Service Rights in Heaven

Posted in Consumerism with tags , on October 9, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

Today I witnessed what could have been the single most amazing thing ever, yet it was not to be. As I sat waiting at a stop light, a boy of about 8 years old became distracted while riding his bike. As his bike began to wobble back and forth, a large truck accelerated through the intersection to beat a waning yellow light. In an attempt to gain control, the boy merged off the sidewalk towards the road and towards a 2 ½ ton speeding GMC. Time slowed to nearly a standstill. My hands clenched tightly around the steering wheel, expecting to see the boy instantly transformed into human jelly, garnishing the truck’s grill like apple chutney on a pork loin. Instead, the curb twisted the front bike tire, sending the boy tumbling onto the grass median between the road and sidewalk.

I already know what you are thinking…”dude, you are a sick motherfucker”. You would be correct in that assumption. While I would have felt bad for the boy for a couple of hours, his death would have a strong affect on this country. All people die, and some people die in a grotesque manner. When little kids die in a grotesque manner, it tends to attract the publics attention.

The distraction that caused this near accident was a cellular telephone. The young boy nearly rolled into his own gruesome death because a most awesome text message prevented his other hand from steering him away from the road. This kid is probably half the legal driving age, but has a cell and was using it while riding a bike. Ironically enough, the driver of the truck was also distracted by a cell phone glued to his ear. I don’t believe that he is even aware that he almost crushed the frail body of an eight year old boy with his excessively large truck. Both people were in their own electronic worlds, oblivious to reality.

Had this accident occurred, I would be the first one in line to make a statement to the police. I would gladly tell police that asshole “A” in truck could have prevented the accident but was much too busy talking to asshole “B” at the other end. I would be right there on the stand in court, begging the court to impose nothing less than a manslaughter prison sentance for this man. I would then explain to the mourning parents exactly why their beloved son careened off of the sidewalk into the path of the sheet metal reaper. My demeanor would be condescending, suggesting that their cell phone purchase for little Joey was a “killer” gift (wocka wocka!) and that their failure as parents will haunt them for eternity.

At first I thought it might be a good idea to impose a minimum age limit for cell phone usage like India’s government has already done. However, the more I thought about this, the more I began to believe that increasing the signal strength in child specific cell phones would be an excellent idea. There is nothing that does growing brain cells good like high intensity radiation. Besides, after a few kids die of agonizing cell phone related brain tumors, maybe the influx of ineffectual parents will see the value in not giving a child a cell phone.

If I ever find a woman willing to carry a child of mine, a cell phone for said child is absolutely out of the fucking question. Instead, I’m gonna give my kid a book of W.B. Yeats or something that will encourage brain growth instead of hampering it.

~Ruko

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Horn Broke, Watch for Finger

Posted in Motorism with tags , on October 7, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

I ride with my window down year round so I can give the finger to a fellow motorist if I deem necessary. In NY, I deem this necessary about every 10 minutes if I am in my car. The reasons? Mostly, they are turn signal related. Aside from motorists being guilty of general douchebaggery while behind the wheel, people in NY don’t use turn signals correctly, and it really fucking pisses me off.

A turning signal is a common courtesy to both drivers and pedestrians. It says “Hey guy! I’m making a turn in the direction of my signal, so please take caution good sir!” Misusing the turn signal is on the same level of disrespect as pissing on the grave of your entire dead family. It is in effect saying “I don’t give a shit about anyone else on the road”, and most cops in the United States won’t be bothered to issue a ticket for a directional infraction. In Japan, directional infraction carries the same punishment as public urination, and updated signaling laws have reduced overall accidents by 87% (according to US DOT. it’s on their website). When Asian drivers get in less accidents than we do, we have a big fucking problem.

Several years ago I developed a mental list of things that would designate whether a motorist was an asshole or not. Points were added to a driver’s tally for doing things such as sleeping at a stop light, speed infractions, bright headlights, unnecessary passing, etc. Once the motorist reached 10 points, I would go out of my way to ensure that said driver knew I was pissed off, honoring him/her with my clenched fist, middle finger pointing to the heavens. Below are listed the turning signal asshole designators and the asshole points award for each.

Not Using a Turn Signal – This is the blanket category for the lack of turning signal usage. Most of these people are completely aware that they are not using a turn signal and don’t give a shit that you are waiting for them to pass at the intersection they are turning into. This instantly warrants a mighty “fuck you”, so be sure to award these pricks with a honk and a bird.

Asshole Points Awarded: 14 out of 10

Turn Signal Too Late – These motherfuckers put their turn signal on as they are already turning or after they have completed the turn, thus negating the purpose of the signal all together.

Asshole Points Awarded: 8 out of 10

The Lane Change Game – This occurs when 2 traffic lanes are involved. You put a turn signal on to turn into the other lane and the vehicle in front just kind of merges into it without signaling, cutting you off. This is usually played by “Fuckface in giant SUV” or “Businessman on cell phone in exceedingly expensive sports car”.

Asshole Points Awarded: 8 out of 10

Turn Signal on for 6 Miles – Little explanation needed here…the driver of the vehicle in front of you is completely oblivious to the fact that his/her turn signal has been on for the better part of an hour. A favorite with 80 + year old drivers.

Asshole Points Awarded: 7 out of 10

Turn Signal at Every Road – One of my personal favorites; these people are obviously lost and use their directional at every intersection, street, and driveway without actually making a turn at all. A bonus is that they are usually driving 20 mph under the speed limit.

Asshole Points Awarded: 11 out of 10

Turn Signal in Opposite Direction – The lowest of life forms on this Earth, these shitheads put on a turn signal and then turn the opposite way. Anybody that doesn’t know the difference between right and left should be executed Stalin style. “We need to take your picture against this wall, so please just stand there for a sec. thx!”

Asshole Points Awarded: 2^45 out of 10

Make sure to study these carefully, and boldly display that middle finger when needed. Until legislation allows us to remove vehicles from the road with an RPG, the finger will have to do.

XOXOXOXO-

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