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10. Dentists – Why pay money to fix your teeth when you know you’ll be back on your 2-litre of Mountain Dew a day habit within 24 hours? Plus – straightening you teeth isn’t going to make your nose smaller or your acne go away. Look at the British – not one nice smile in London and they used to practically rule the world. |
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9. Red Bull – Nothing like paying two or three dollars for 3oz of sugar water and caffeine. If you want more energy put down the cheeseburger and stop jerking-off four times a day. |
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8. Sports Jerseys with player names – Unless you are more a fan of the player than the team – guess what – that guy will not be playing in your town five years from now. Nothing like a Martinez shirt in Boston, or a Piazza jersey in New York. The only thing worse than paying $120 for a Red Sox Johnny Damon jersey two years ago is getting your ass kicked at Fenway Park for not having the common sense to leave it home during the Yankee series. |
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7. Premium Gas – I know I sound like a conspiracy theorist but do you ever wonder if there really is one really large tank under your local gas station with three spots for the tankers to hook up to? Oh yeah – while your at the gas station grab a Red-Bull and some beef jerky – and don’t worry you won’t get any change back for that $10 bill. |
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6. Beef Jerky – $6.59 for less than three ounces of leather tough beef that gives you gas and makes your breath smell like – well – like beef jerky. At these prices a “jerky” cow is worth at least 2 or 3 million dollars. |
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5. Personal Computers – Let’s be honest – this “revolutionary productivity tool” is nothing really but a glorified pornography portal that also allows you to communicate with people you want to fuck but who live in Japan and were born in the mid ‘90s . |
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4. Stadium Beer – $8 for a Coors light? In a plastic can? And it’s sort of warm? These are the benefits you get once you have paid a solid $40-$80 to get in the gate of any MLB, NHL, NFL, NBA and maybe ever MLS stadium– but who the fuck gives two shits about soccer?MLS is soccer – right? Anyway – the price of beer is one of the only advantages of living in a minor league city. You city slickers can keep paying $7.50 for your “King of Horse Piss” beer while I enjoy my $4 – 16oz microbrew. |
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3. Extended Warranties – TAP, POM, ESP, etc… No matter what the acronym all extended warranties are a rip. Trust me – I worked in consumer electronics retail – it’s a scam. The sales person IS lying to you. He/she is either on commission or under extreme duress to sell you the policy – or most likely both. Again – trust me – your salesman in not giving the manager a high five after you have left the store because he’s excited that you have “the coverage you deserve”. |
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2. Car Accessories – There is no better way to turn a $6000 Dodge Neon into a $4000 Dodge Neon than adding $2000 worth of racing stripes, exhaust pipes, spoilers and other shit that just screams “look at me- I wasted a ton of cash pimping out a Dodge Neon that has an average road life of three years!!! Yea!!!” |
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1. Alex Rodriguez – A-Rod has a regular season line that is incredible. At only 32 years old he has 2250 hits, 518 home runs, and a career .306 batting average. However, those MVP like stats don’t translate in the postseason. His numbers drop dramatically in all major offensive categories. Probably most telling is this tidbit from his stats page on MLB.com “There is no World Series data available” A-Rod has been to the playoffs seven times and never played in a World Series game!! This guy is a choker. Not worth $250 million. |
Hope you have a real job.