Angry Romanian

I am 5’11” tall and weigh approximately 200 pounds. The picture to the left is me standing next to a 52” RCA rear projection television. Nobody ever got to watch “Growing Up Gotti” on this television. Read on.

Several weeks after receiving an Associates degree from a small Community College, I took a job at local retail giant Circuit City selling computers. My reasoning was that of every other person with an Associates degree… “This job will just be a temporary thing until I find a better job”. There is an unseen flaw in this thinking however; there isn’t a better job. An Associates diploma would be worth so much more if it was printed on Quilted Northern toilet paper. Why? Well, diploma paper doesn’t work nearly as well as toilet paper when you wipe your ass with it (and you will, because it sure as shit isn’t increasing your chances in the job market). Like the countless others who fell into this trap to become “lifers” of a retail chain, I began to settle into a career of retail hell.

I was getting sick of it though. Nearly 2 years ago, I gave up selling computers and moved to the warehouse. This was an attempt to get away from the masses of stupid fucking consumer whores, yet I found a “new breed” of stupid there. I like to call these poor souls “the physical dimension impaired” people. The name is self explaining; these people don’t understand physical dimensions…at all.

My only contact with customers in the warehouse is when I have to load a television into somebody’s vehicle. This usually isn’t an issue as most customers make accommodations to arrive with a truck or other vehicle large enough for the task. Not the physical dimension impaired however…they won’t hesitate to purchase a 50” Plasma, pull up in their ’96 Geo Metro, and expect it to fit in the back seat on top of all the other garbage piled there. This shit happens way too fucking often and it began to really fuck with my calm. Enter Ken asst. store manager to my Circuit City. Ken is also physical dimension impaired.

Ken had sold a 52” rear projection RCA television to a stupid dago of about 40 years old. This man backed up in a beat up 1984 Crown Victoria and popped the trunk. I first thought that the man was confused. I asked:

“Sir, are you hear for the RCA?”

“Yeah yeah, let’s get this thing in the trunk”

Now, mind you this TV stands 5 and ½ feet tall, is nearly 5 feet wide, and is almost 4 feet thick in its box. The asshole then asks me if I think he will be able to close the trunk with the television in there. No joke.

“sir, this TV is not going to fit into the trunk. It’s not even close”

“waddaya talkin about? I’ve fit bigger stuff back here before”

I am sure this man was also very confused about the size of his penis as he felt the need to adjust himself twice a second as he was arguing with me.

“Sir, unless your trunk somehow alters the time-space continuum, it’s not going to fit. You are going to have to get a truck or schedule to have it delivered.”

This guy got pretty pissed off about that comment; not that he understood my wit, but more-so that I told him he was wrong. I mean, I only do this thing for a living so it’s not like I know what I am talking about.

“Listen you shit, I wanna speak to your fuckin manager *wildly waving hands* right now, god damnit!!”

Like any good employee in the retail industry I went back inside and let the guy wait for the better part of 20 minutes while I did some other shit. I get paid by the hour. Asshole customers hate nothing more than waiting so naturally I make them wait as long as possible. Meanwhile, I collect my check.

After doing a quick clean up of the back dock, I went and got Ken. Ken spoke with the guy and hastily informed me that we were in fact going to fit the television into the trunk.

At this point I had become tired of arguing, so I grabbed the TV with the help of fuck face guinea-chenzo-guido-douchebag and Ken. Our attempt to get the television into the trunk was apparently so humorous that a small crowd of onlookers gathered to watch the ordeal. Twist it this way, flip it that way, push to the right…the scene was as clumsy as my first time attempting to have sex in high school.

After literally 10 minutes of this, the man said “hmmm. I think it will fit in the back seat.” Mind you, the back door dimensions were significantly smaller than that of the trunk. I looked at Ken, said “No” and went inside. I don’t get paid enough for that kind of shit.

The most interesting events would occur once I had left, however. Outside, the man became belligerent about having to pay for a delivery fee for the television. Once he became abusive, he was ordered to leave. The store manager then called the police whom quickly arrived at the scene (you know cops are just waiting to crack the skull of a belligerent customer with the billy club. They hardly ever get to use those things). After some words between the cop and the man he was arrested. The man resisted until they broke his nose on the trunk of the crusier. It’s amazing what a broken nose does to a man’s willingness to fight with a cop. As it would turn out, this man had three standing warrants.

As a measure of good customer service I removed the back panel of the television and forcefully dislodged some of the “extra” circuit board components to ensure proper function of the man’s $2000 television. They delivered it to his house the next day where it sat until he was released from jail/prison. This of course was way past any return policy or warranty coverage. I hope he enjoys it.

-Vaffanculo!!