In the misspent Halloweens of my youth many pumpkins were smashed, windows soaped, and bags of candy snatched. There were several basic techniques involved in stealing the candy of little ghosts, goblins, and princesses. These included the snatch and bolt, the slit bag, and the straight forward “hey you little turd, give me your candy or else” trick. In my neighborhood it was survival of the fittest, fastest, and most importantly, survival of the friends of Kurt Wallace, a sixth grader with a beard, size 13 Jordan’s, and standardized test scores that could single handily lose any elementary school their No Child Left Behind subsidies. Alas, the coming of age ritual of snatching candy bags has been co-opted by George Bush, Dick Cheney, and their neo-conservative operatives.
The process of snatching the candy from small children has taken a sinister and hi-tech turn. Warentless wiretaps of the homes of subversive children have revealed the planning of pagan Halloween rituals. Here is the transcript of one such conspiratorial conversation:
Tommy: Hey Jimmy, my mom is bringing me and my sister over to your house at six to go trick-or-treating.
Jimmy: Do we have to bring your sister; she’s such a pain in the ass.
Tommy: Yeah, but we can ditch her like last year.
Jimmy: Nice, see you at six.
Once an obvious terrorist islamofascist plot like this is revealed the Department of Homeland Security leaps to action – intent on depriving these Taliban sympathizers the spoils of their plot. At 6:15 a black SUV follows Jimmy and Tommy as they collect their bounty. At 7:37, with candy bags bulging, the terrorists head for home, when suddenly five heavily armed Blackwater operatives burst from the SUV, grab the boys, and speed off. Tommy and Jimmy are handcuffed, blindfolded, and taken to an Air Force base. Their candy is confiscated, but this is not enough in these dangerous times.
The boys are flown to a secret prison in Romania where they are stripped of there clothes and forced to watch reruns of teletubbies until they are babbling mindlessly like, like – ah – well – teletubbies.
Meanwhile, back in the United States Jimmy and Tommy’s parents are in a state of panic. Local authorities are directed by the NSA not to waste their time searching for the boys, but will say no more. The parents are confronted with the fact that with the repeal of habeas corpus, their children could be anywhere, could have been seized by any number of government agencies, and they are left with no recourse.
In Romania, White House approved “soft” interrogation tactics reveal Jimmy and Tommy are part of an operation much larger than the extorting of candy from local residents and funneling of the proceeds to Syrian terrorist camps. After six hours of waterboarding, Tommy admits that he is in-fact the owner of the Willy Wonka chocolate factory, and has indoctrinated over 200 oompa-loompa’s . Jimmy, after losing seven toenails, three fingertips, and his left ear, added that he and Tommy had conspired with Gene Wilder, the factories original owner, in converting the factory to an IED production facility.
For these crimes the boys are tried before an impromptu military tribunal, and sentenced to death by Blackwater target shooting.
Three weeks later their bodies wash up in the Tigris River, missing their jawbones and fingers, making any attempt to identify them impossible. Not that anyone would care anyways since they were assumed to be Iraqis.
Back home the boys’ disappearance is attributed, by Fox News, to Hillary Clinton’s proposed health care plan. Gene Wilder and all the Baldwin brothers are sent to Gitmo for reprogramming, and the alleged downtown San Francisco site of the Willy Wonka munitions factory is nuked.
Happy Halloween !!!