Archive for November, 2007

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I Like Pie

Posted in Culture with tags on November 27, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

I have a great deal of respect for female porn stars. It’s not everyday you find somebody willing to do absolutely disgusting and humbling sexual acts for a grand or two. But why do I like them? It’s not for their silicone enhanced breasts or acting abilities. The answer is simply that they have a fucking awful, degrading job, and they like it. That makes them a better person than myself, because I have a fucking awful job, and I go home and cry myself to sleep every night.

Comparatively, female porn stars have less of a conscience than assassins. It’s true. Female pornstars are well aware that people are viewing their work for one reason, and one reason alone, and they are oddly okay with that. The average hitman leaves the industry after 8 years due to moral issues with the job. Not female porn stars though…they get forced out after approximately 12 years when they start to look old and are no longer marketable. Assassins’ will usually exercise a “no women, no children rule”. Female pornstars aren’t nearly as selective. Men, women, animals, household items…you name it, and there is probably a website full of women fucking it. If you don’t believe me, please reference the PG-13 rated website about two girls and a cup. And that is definitely not the worst. Trust me. I’m a connoisseur. I know.

I mean, paying a hitman in Brooklyn 1000 bucks to pull a trigger and paying a woman 1000 dollars to take a shot of cum from 3 guys in EVERY mucus membrane while being filmed are two very different things. Assassins know that if they are whacking somebody, the target individual must have pissed of somebody bad enough to justify the bill. They sleep well at night knowing that the people they have killed were most likely flaming assholes. I am surprised that a female pornstar can sleep at all. Besides lacking even a shred of dignity, realizing that thousands of lonely men will be jerking off to your exploitation on screen would really bother me…and that’s saying a lot, because I’d kill your grandmother for a large pizza.

It’s important to note here that I am not really a fan of male pornstars, mostly because it’s not a bad job. Besides the danger of crossing swords, male porn stars have it pretty good. Most of the females in porn are pretty hot. Not the guys though. To put it bluntly, some of the male porn stars in the biz are absolutely fucking appalling. Ron Jeremy? That guy gives Ugly nightmares. And he isn’t the worst looking of all of them. Trust me. I’m a connoisseur. I know.

The worst part of a female pornstar’s job however, is the stigma that follows the job. They will never again be respected by family members, they will have a difficult time finding a non-pornographic job (many businesses include a clause that prohibits any relationship with the pornography industry in any way as a PR thing), and have an exceptionally difficult time finding a relationship outside of work (unless you guys are into other men/women/whatever fucking your girlfriend).

So…regardless of whether you work in a assembly line at a factory or mop up cum from a XXX theatre floor, realize that regardless of how bad your day is you won’t have your head crammed into a toilet while your ass is violently pounded.

~ruko

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Stun Guns Give Cops even More of an Excuse To Be Assholes (like they need it)

Posted in Politics, Stories with tags , , on November 26, 2007 by Rob

You can’t ignore the headlines. It seems as if almost every day there is a new incident involving the police and the use of stun guns. A simple google search provided ample evidence that tasering has become a serious national issue. Go to YouTube and you can view dozens of incidents, most of them involving campus security personnel.

There are two types of campus security -

1. Real Campus Police – They carry guns and can arrest your drunken ass. From my experience these guys are pretty level headed and calm. They can shoot students who pose a deadly threat and therefore that sort of threat nearly never arises. For every other situation they depend on their reasoning skills to navigate the various situations they encounter.

2. Campus Security guards- by definition these guys are nothing but a pack of pussies who failed the police entrance exam and are forced to play babysitter to rich kids who will soon be out-earning then 10 to 1. Campus security guards are notorious for harassing students for silly shit and reveling in the harrowing task of writing parking tickets. An exception to this exists on campuses that offer a criminal justice program. Guards at these schools are typically in the program and take their job seriously as it is a stepping stone toward a career.

I would like to make the argument that taser guns should not be given to either group.

Campus Police already carry a gun for extreme situations. However, just the presence of their firearm earns them a level of respect that ought to give them the upper hand in most situations. Giving these guys stun guns will only make them lazy. Instead of using their conflict resolution skills they will simply stun drunk students that give them a hard time. Although this makes for great YouTube material, students should not be subjected to 80,000 watts for asking a cop “hey don’t you have a Dunkin Donuts to protect piggy?”. Nor should a taser be an acceptable alternative method to dragging a drunken frat boy from a car that he was driving in reverse at 40 miles per hour across the provost’s front lawn.

Campus security guards should also never be issued stun guns. These bitter hacks have survived for decades with walkie-talkies and mag-lights as their only weapon. The last thing a college campus needs is a bunch of over-caffeinated police academy dropouts carrying “non lethal” stun guns that are responsible for at least 147 deaths in the United States since 2000. These bozos should stick to writing parking tickets and call the real police for everything else.

Before you give me the old “we live in increasingly dangerous times” lecture let me expose the proliferation of stun guns for what it is – a profit making crusade by stun gun manufacturers. They rushed these things to market before properly testing them and now people are dying. I think it is about time the police went back to the good old days of beating people and leave the high tech gadgets to the harmless nerds and geeks of our society.

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Ass: the Great American Billboard

Posted in Religion with tags , , on November 24, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

I would just like to start by saying that this post took me 7 hours and 26 minutes to complete. Not because of the content, but while searching for images I found more porn than I could handle. It’s always funny how you can search for something completely benign like “pants” and find a picture of some chick shoving a 18″ industrial sized dildo in her ass. Try it; turn Google “safe search” image filtering off, and do a search for “pants” and browse about 10 pages into the search. Do it. You will love it…if you are into really sick and twisted shit.
I must have missed the memo explaining the thought process behind pants that have writing across the back of the ass. I don’t get it. This is almost exclusively a female fad. Do you want to know why men look at womens tits and asses? It’s because of low cut shirts and writing on the seat of pants. It’s not our fault.
Due to the urgings of a loyal fan, I’ve compiled a list of 10 things that should not be written on the ass of pants. This is not an exhaustive list by any means…just some absolutely terrible things written on the back of sports pants, sweat pants, and those little sexy shorts that women wear. Check out the rest of this article with pictures after the jump.

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“Black Friday” aka “You’re A Stupid Motherfucker Day”

Posted in General Humor with tags , , on November 23, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

It’s not often that Corporate America pulls the wool over our eyes.

Actually, I don’t know what the fuck I am talking about, because that is obviously the most asinine thing I have ever written. Let me start again fresh.

Corporate America thrives on the fact that we are morons, willing to buy into whatever bullshit they throw in front of us. Black Friday is the perfect example of this, drawing millions of lower and middle class people to the stores at the ass crack-o-dawn. They then line up in hopes of buying a seemingly expensive product for a seemingly lower than normal price. The deals appear so good that these people will stand in line for two, three, four, five, six hours in a full spectrum of weather conditions in hopes of getting a target item. When the doors open, these people sprint into the stores as though it were el encierro.

With thousands of people packed shoulder to shoulder, the lines inside stretch as long as the lines outside. If you have ever seen this, you will quickly recognize that not a single person is smiling. If you were born of a higher class, have a college education, or have an IQ above 100, you realize that getting up at 12:14 AM to go and wait outside of a store until 5 AM is absolutely fucking retarded. I would rather fluff for the World’s Biggest Gangbang.

So, back to the part where you are a stupid shitbag for going out shopping on Black Friday; all the stuff that you bought? Yeah, you just been had. You honestly think that a store can hand out cameras at the door, sell laptop computers for $200, and/or *Insert item you bought here* ___________ and not make money while doing it? It’s called “Black Friday” because it puts a store way into the black in the store’s ledger (meaning they make a lot of money for you financially inept readers out there). They make money even if they make you think they are losing it.

This is possible because it all gets shipped over from China, and it hardly cost the stores anything. So, while you payed $400 for that LCD television, realize that six 12 year old Chinese children got paid $.43 to assemble it. And it will break (nearly 32% of all products purchased on Black Friday are exchanged within a month of purchase), because their level of QC isn’t all that great. I mean, aside from Date-Rape Drug containing Aqua Dots, botoxin laced Cat and Dog food, and fun with Lead laden Curious George, China doesn’t really know what QC is.

So, here’s a breakdown. You altered family time on a holiday to go and get ready to stand in a line for hours, run into a store, spend a few more hours waiting in line, and then purchase sub-par shit that might hopefully poison or otherwise harm you and your family.

Me and the rest of the editors slept in.

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Happy Thanksgiving America

Posted in Photos with tags , , , on November 22, 2007 by Douche Nozzle

Enjoy your turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and squash and cranberry sauce and three bean salad and rolls with butter and apple pie and…

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Horny Frat Boy Date Rape Party Play Set

Posted in News with tags , on November 18, 2007 by Guest

As an avid South Park viewer, I found it amusing when reality mirrored a joke from one of my favorite episodes. In the episode featuring Paris Hilton, all the girls of South Park became obsessed with the air-headed celebutant. A toy was then advertised parodying the infamous adult feature “1 Night in Paris.” The toy, “Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Play Set” included a video camera, “night vision filter, fake money, losable cell phone, and 16 hits of ecstasy!”

Recently a toy called Aqua Dots was recalled for its interesting side effect of turning into the date rape drug when ingested. Aqua Dots are a craft product that has these beads that stick together when sprayed with water. The coating that makes the beads stick together, when swallowed in large quantities, can cause a child to go unconscious, develop respiratory depression, have seizures, and in extreme cases die. Spinmaster, the company that makes Aqua Dots, should take a cue from South Park and re-market its product. So you ask, “How can they re-market this horrible product?”

Simple!!!
Introducing – “Horny Frat Boy Date Rape Party Play Set!”. Be just like a real frat boy! Play set includes a Greek letter T-shirt, a quarter keg of Genny Light, funnel, and 500 Aqua Dot roofies! There is a huge market for kids to live out there frat boy fantasies. If Spinmaster only thought about the misogynistic teenage boy demographic they could bounce back from this recall relatively unscathed.
In all seriousness, how does a product with this kind of side effect make it to market! OK, so you have a toy that looks like candy. Do you…

A. Test the beads to make sure they are safe if eaten
or
B. Fuck it, what kind of retarded child would eat a bunch of beads? And if the little mongoloid does, they deserve what happens to them.

I am kind of disturbed that B. is the approach a major toy manufacturer chose to take. It would only be fitting if the children of Spinmaster management ate some Aqua dots, or even better if their teenage daughters made their own version of “1 Night in Paris”.

I say – enough with these fancy artsy fartsy toys. Give the rug rats a cardboard box and a BB gun. The box will fulfill all of their daily imagination requirements and the BB gun will help weed out the children of stupid parents.

-Jesse

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My God, Your God, We All God, iPod?

Posted in Religion with tags on November 16, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

There are literally hundreds of religions in the world. Every single person that embraces one of these religions feels that their god is the only god. Additionally, each religion says that there is no room for the god of another religion and non-believers are going to some really bad place when they die. Anybody else find a bit of problem here? Are we to believe that at the very least, some 4 billion people are wrong about religion?? That’s a pretty bold statement, and I’m not fucking buying it.

Here is a breakdown of the top 6 religions and the world population percentage of each.

33% Christians
20% Muslim
13% Hindu
6% Chinese Universists
6% Buddhist
5% Worshipers of Steve Jobs
.2% Judaism

But wait a second…that’s only 83% of the worlds 6,626,666,292 (approx) people. Where are the others? The last 20% of the world’s population is composed of believers in Spirits and Deities (Shintoists, Pagans, Tribal Religions), Aethiests and Agnostics, and a bunch of other weird shit that I don’t really care about. Judaism represents a relative very small percentage of the population, but they are listed as an honorable mention because Manischewitz sent the editors here at Angryromanian.com a case of kosher wine in response to the “Mel Gibson is a Fucking Nut-Case” post.

The truth about the gods is that all of the gods co inhabit heaven and fight over the majority following of souls on earth. Every 500 years, they have a no holds barred fight for the title supreme ruler of the world.

The below bracket shows the white knuckle results from the past fight.

The projected winner of this upcoming fight is underdog Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who oddly enough isn’t even dead yet. Nonetheless, the Apple corporation continues to gain followers with each clever electronic device is releases to the public. As prophesied, he will die a Martyr somewhere in the year 2011, stoned to death with his own iPods, iButtplugs, iPhones, and the upcoming iGods by followers of the Microsoft faith. Upon his return to Earth, he will lay to waste the Vista users, and Linux/Mac will reign supreme.

~Ruko

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Clap if You’ve Banged this Whore Before

Posted in Health, News with tags , on November 13, 2007 by Douche Nozzle

The CDC announced today that STDs among Americans are increasing at alarming rates, led by chlamydia. Nearly 1,031,000 cases of the clap were reported last year, up from 976,000 the year before. This number eclipsed the 1,013,436 cases reported in 1978. 19 – fucking – 78. The late 70′s were a church ladies nightmare!!! HIV hadn’t reared it’s ugly head yet and fashion was so god-awful repulsive that people couldn’t wait to get out of their hip-huggers and liesure suits to fuck.

Gonorrhea and syphilis rates have also risen significantly. Health officials are baffled by the sudden rise and offer no concrete solution to combat this precarious rise in STDs. But we here at Angry Romanian World Headquarters have a sure “shot” solution. Lets start an ad campaign promoting porn style sexual encounters. We’ll call the campaign “Give her the money shot tonight, and avoid the penicillin shot tomorrow” or, “One in the eye means she’s safe for the next guy!”. If you have any other slogan suggestions please pass them along.

Peace(sucks)

D.N.

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Finish Her!

Posted in Stories with tags , on November 11, 2007 by Ruko the Wonder Dog

I am not a handsome man. It’s not that I am ugly or even bad-looking, I am just not the kind of man that a woman looks at and goes “wow…I’d like a piece of that”. Oddly enough, the women I have dated have been very good looking and in some cases pretty hot. After I caught the third consecutive girlfriend cheating I decided that it all wasn’t worth my time.

My standards are now pretty high as I find most women to be pretty worthless with exception of the sexual service some of them provide. Kira was no different. She was a tall, athletic, brunette with a D-cup and gorgeous dark eyes. She was intelligent, spontaneous, and exciting. While she was far out of my league, I dated her for the better part of a year. We did not have sex in the last 5 weeks of the relationship, as she claimed a change in birth control made her “flow” all the time. I really liked her, so the abstinence was not a big deal to me.

She then broke up with me suddenly, and a mutual friend informed me that I was only one of several men she had been seeing and fucking for months. I should have seen it coming. Even though I worshiped her every step, she went after the better looking men in the end. Instead of breaking things off when she knew it was over, she kept me involved in a vapid relationship for months until things had solidified with a new man.  It was a big waste of my time, money, and emotion and she knew it all along.

So, which dirty trick from my arsenal of revenge tactics did I use to repay Kira? The worst one of course, as this kind of situation requires nothing less.

I fucked her 18 year old little sister.

If life could be depicted through a series of Mortal Kombat fights, having sex with your ex-girlfriend’s little sister would be the “Fatality!!” move where you rip the skull and spine from your enemy in one fluid motion. It’s low, it’s vindictive, it’s completely up over the top. Like in Mortal Combat, it’s a mighty “Fuck you” unlike any other.

My dick was like a colossal axe, in one blow severing a family bond that will never heal. See, friends come and go through life. A few stay, but for the most part 80% of all the people you befriend move on. Family is family though…only in the extreme circumstances do people fall away from that. Most friends will fuck you over if it is in their best interest. Family, however, is a pretty sacred thing for most people. For Kira, every holiday gathering will bring back thoughts of me balls deep in her little sister.

Would I do things different now? Absolutely. I would have fucked her mother too.

~ruko

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Allergy Season…aka Time to make money.

Posted in Consumerism with tags , on November 10, 2007 by Bieltan

I have gone my entire life without allergies. Now that I’m in my mid twenties, nature deemed it fit to bless me with allergies. I enjoyed three weeks of hell during late August, which left me almost for dead, it was so bad. Now that it’s early November some other pollen from hell is tearing me a new asshole to try to breath through, but oh no it clogs that hole up too with phlegm and shit! As I sit here writing this I am sneezing so much my keyboard is sticky…well not all that is from sneezing…

Now my point is the pharmaceutical industry. I managed to try every kind of over the counter allergy medication at least once. Now not one, I repeat NOT ONE has worked at all. Not even to stop a runny nose for 20 minutes. These money grubbing mother fuckers charge me $12.99 for a placebo that doesn’t even trick my body into thinking it works. You’d think that in a multi-billion dollar industry, at least someone would come up with something to kick this piece of shit “sickness” in the sack. But oh wait, I think I just answered my question. It’s a “multi-billion dollar industry”…why make a cure and end the cash cow that fills the pockets of thousands of millionaires around the globe.

So thank you, thank you for sticking a rod up each and every consumer’s ass and prancing us around like dolls as you take what you want from our pockets. But we all know Hell has a spot picked out just for you, a nice big chair with the real people from Hostel ready to have some fun with your soul for eternity. So keep up the good work, and ENJOY!

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