I would just like to start by saying that this post took me 7 hours and 26 minutes to complete. Not because of the content, but while searching for images I found more porn than I could handle. It’s always funny how you can search for something completely benign like “pants” and find a picture of some chick shoving a 18″ industrial sized dildo in her ass. Try it; turn Google “safe search” image filtering off, and do a search for “pants” and browse about 10 pages into the search. Do it. You will love it…if you are into really sick and twisted shit.
I must have missed the memo explaining the thought process behind pants that have writing across the back of the ass. I don’t get it. This is almost exclusively a female fad. Do you want to know why men look at womens tits and asses? It’s because of low cut shirts and writing on the seat of pants. It’s not our fault.
Due to the urgings of a loyal fan, I’ve compiled a list of 10 things that should not be written on the ass of pants. This is not an exhaustive list by any means…just some absolutely terrible things written on the back of sports pants, sweat pants, and those little sexy shorts that women wear. Check out the rest of this article with pictures after the jump.
JUICY |
When I think of the word “Juicy” I think of a hot, steaming, greasy, black angus burger, absolutely dribbling with grease and meaty goodness.The definition of “Juicy” taken from www.dictionary.com: juic•y – Show Spelled Pronunciation[joo-see] Pronunciation Key -adjective, juic•i•er, juic•i•est. 1. full of juice; wet; succulent: a juicy pear.As much as I enjoy eating the butt of a very attractive woman, the thought of “ass juice” is very unappealing. My own personal past experiences have taught me that anything “Juicy” in the anal area is really bad. And by really bad, I mean the kind of thing I don’t want anybody else knowing about, much less having it written across my ass. |
LOOSE TIME |
I don’t really understand this one. Does “loose” imply something about the condition of the surrounding areas? Was this supposed to say “lose time”, suggesting that getting sucked into the gaping black hole of the wearer’s asshole alters the time-space continuum? Are these pants made for women who can be described as “loose” or promiscuous? Yeah, I am definitely reaching on this one, but it totally threw me for a loop. Maybe if I had a bit more loose time myself I could sumon Plato from the dead and discuss it with him. Any way you spin it, it’s fucking stupid. |
CHEER!!  |
I guess this is the rage with all of the high school cheerleaders now. And before the accusations start flying, I have a cousin who is a high school cheerleader. He receives daily ass beatings, but I have to hand it to the kid. He takes those beatings with a smile because he gets laid like linoleum. Aside from drawing unwanted attention to underage girl’s buttocks (buttocks is used here because it is more proper…I mean we are talking about underage girls you fucking perverts), what does “cheer!!!” written across the buttocks region of these pants promote? The only thing I am cheering for is their 18th birthday, when they realize that the only place where good looks and flexibility will get you a job is Vivid Video. |
*Insert college/university name here* |
Here is a note to college men who see this:Go and have sex with these women. They are obviously the students that barely got into their liberal arts program and should be pretty easy to talk into the sack. None of those hard to get pre-med women or physics majors with the grad student boyfriends wear pants like these. Your university name on the butt of a female student is a sure fire notch on the bedpost.If you are a female college student and wear pants like this, please disregard the above statement. |
Strickly4Profit |
I came across this little gem while browsing the now defunct myspace webpage of a friend.This picture is a pretty spot on visual representation of “Ghetto booty”.This one is obviously a custom airbrush job, but it’s honest to god not the first time I have seen this. My local pimp has all of his girls wear these uniforms. What does $10 get you on a lonely sat night? A 1/2 hour of that sweet “Strickly4Profit” ghetto ass! Judging by how happy she is, I am unsure if she even knows how to read. |
I <3 College Towns |
Let me start by saying that I personally love boy shorts on women. They get me all wobbly in the legs. This picture kind of freaks me out though…I mean, I can’t say I have ever seen a chick with a six pack on her back before. That aside, I really don’t see the need for this. Who is going to see these? Unless you are a turbo-whore and plan on showing A LOT of people your panties, why? I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that it’s not the architecture of college towns that the wearer loves here… I think the correct caption should be “Want an STD?”. |
FAT!SO? |
Just in case there was any doubt in your mind.If pants could scream, these would. |
Eat My Dust |
mmm…..nothing hits the spot like a healthy helping of ass dust. Dig in kids, its high in fiber! I have this mental image of this woman blowing out a cloud of powder when she farts….almost like some perverse super villain that never made the the Marvel cut. …moving on. |
Bums in Paradise |
Oh man! Whoever thought up of this one needs some kind of prize! Your wit is just so fresh! By “Bums” you mean butt, not a lazy person! OMG, this pun is just so great! I just can’t get over it! This kind of shit is why the rest of the world laughs at us. The novel creator of this design should go and work for the Hallmark empire. |
Peace Love Lodge |
This is obviously some hippy bullshit that I probably wouldn’t understand even if it was explained to me. I mean, hippies don’t make much sense anyways. The petrulli oil and incense has a tendency to warp their sick little minds, making them do stupid shit like not shaving and writing weird things on their butts. I can’t fucking stand hippies. Always with the peace and love…but wtf does Lodge mean?? I can only hope that “Lodge” means “forcefully insert with no lube or warning”. Sometimes it’s a good thing I’m not king. |
| Well kiddies, I hope you enjoyed our little journey. Please feel free to send some of your own personal favorites in, and I may do a sequel! ~Ruko | |
I just have to say that the ass Billboard is an absolutely amazing thing. There is nothing like bringing attention to and making a reason for staring at another part of the female anatomy. I’m going to be staring at these areas anyway why not give me a reason? Juicy; I love juicy ass. I think this word explains a girl in some pre-orgasmic state, not her pre-diarrhea state. However on the "loose time" thing, I’m confused. The only reasonable explanation that I could come up with is that this is some marketing thing to make these pants acceptable for thoes individuals afraid of being to riskay on their asses. meaning that it’s time for loose clothes as lame as that sounds.
Hippies are nice friendly people who smell a little strange but don’t usually have rabies. I would like to point out that those aren’t real hippies. real hippies don’t write things on their butt. they paint them on their face in day glow, or if they are trust fund hippies, say it on "vintage" t-shirts by hollister and ambercrombie. and they don’t match, real hippies don’t even know what matching is.