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Enjoy the Offseason Terell – You Little Bitch!!

Posted by Guest on January 23, 2008
Posted in: Sports. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . 1 comment

Terrell Owens has always been a little bitch. He has always failed to show up in the big games and he has always found others to blame. But last Sunday set a pathetic new low for the Dallas wide receiver. Owens was brought to tears when asked if quarterback Tony Romo may have been distracted by Jessica Simpson’s enormous rack. Owens lip quivered, his voice shook and the tears all but came drizzling from the edges of his ridiculous oversized shades. “That’s my quarterback,” he choked out several times.
How embarrassing.
This incident could very well go down as the worst crying incident in sports history. Remember Dirk Nowiski’s break down after losing in the 07 playoffs to the Warriors? It was like watching a Werewolf on the Lifetime channel. How about Joe Torre three straight years bawling over getting into the playoffs, only to lose in the AL Division series each year. Tell me Joe, how much sympathy do you expect when your team supplies you with a $200 million payroll? I know, having the AL MVP on your team makes things so damn difficult.
There have been some good sports cries. When Brett Favre lost his father, then went on national television and threw for 399 yards and won the game, he cried and likely half the audience did as well. Michael Jordan’s Dad was murdered the year he led the Bulls to a championship, he shed tears while kissing the trophy. Even Knicks fans felt for him. So if someone dies, I guess it’s understandable, but if it’s because your QB is a pre-Madonna, I think not.
But what is the root of the crying? Well, let’s start with how a sport like baseball used to be played. By men who grew up with nothing but a ball and a stick. How is it played now? By mommas boys who have been given the world by everyone around them because they can toss a ball 90 mph. It’s similar to the way that Randy Moss was allowed to run over a traffic cop or Lebron James can drive 100 mph and not care about the repercussions.
When Lou Gehrig said that he was the, “luckiest man on the face of the earth,” he said it because he felt blessed to have been able to play the game. Not because he wanted to be on Sportscenter and especially not to get sympathy. Like we’re supposed to feel bad for Owens, who could sell his shoes on eBay for more than most of us make in a fiscal year. Sorry Terrell, this isn’t Dr. Phil, keep it to yourself.
The glory days of each of the three major American sports are behind us. I think many of us miss 1980′s basketball, before thug life; 1960′s baseball, before the juice; and the 1990s of the NFL before the instant replay. All we can do is remember the good times. So I suggest turning your numb brains away from the network that ruined sports, ESPN, and maybe go read a book or something.

-Matt

Thanks for the guest post Matt. If you would like to submit content to Angry Romanian email us.

Editor’s note: Before you waste your time commenting on the freshness of this story – We are acutely aware this happened a few weeks back. Publication was delayed due to technical issues with the site.

Are you ready for some Football? Unless, that is, you have ca-able!!

Posted by Guest on December 31, 2007
Posted in: Sports. Tagged: , . Leave a Comment

The National Football League is top dog in American sports these days. It is also the sport most ravaged with greedy assholes.

“The Warden,” Roger Goodell has turned pro football from a good excuse for skipping church into the Wal-Mart of professional sports. He has turned a game that people love to watch into a race to the bottom-line, with no regard for how he gets there, or who he has to screw to do it.

Like Wal-Mart, the NFL mistreats its part time employees, in this case the referees. Football is the only of the four major sports to not have full time refs. They are paid based on a contract instead of as salaried employees. No wonder they can’t see, they probably don’t even have benefits that pay for glasses.

Mistreatment of officials is just the beginning. This season, Goodell decided to ban local news stations from sideline coverage during games and restricted the amount of NFL related internet video that news companies can have on their web pages to 45 seconds. The video also must include a link to the NFL web page.

So they are fucking over refs and local news. But who cares about that? Well, if you are an average NFL fan, (symptoms include beer gut, receding hair line and very little to live for) then you should. Although the word integrity might be a little too fancy for many football fans, its maintenance is essential to the success of the sport. Goodell’s iron fist rule and corporate greed depletes this integrity. This is the same man who allowed DT Tank Johnson to have a reduced suspension after spending time in prison but suspended CB Pacman Jones for a full season due to off field conduct though he was never charged with a crime. Hmm…Seems “The Warden,” is more like Nurse Ratched than a Commissioner, doling out privilege and punishment capriciously.

But the greed league doesn’t stop at screwing its refs, local news outlets and players. That’s right; they bend the fans over a table too. (Not just Jeff Garcia) The NFL Network had exclusive rights to four games this season, but nobody saw the first three. All the major cable networks refused to pay the outrageous fee the NFL was asking for broadcast rights to the NFL Network. Cable providers would have had to hike up their rates for all customers so football fans could watch four games. Not exactly the sort of PR cable companies need in the ever crowded media delivery sphere. Anyway, turns out Time Warner and Comcast have bigger dicks than the NFL and won’t reenact scenes from Deliverance with the NFL. However, it is ultimately the fan that loses out once the corporate pissing match is over. A perfect example; earlier this season the Packers vs. Cowboys game was on NFL Network and most of America was unable to see a battle of legendary teams vying for playoff position. And no, I am not impressed with the leagues supposed good-will gesture of allowing nationwide broadcast of the Patriots-Giants game. Only the prodding of Congress, which could make life very difficult for the NFL in future television contract negotiations, managed to convince the Grinch to return the pigskin to Whoville.

The NFL’s greed is not all that’s wrong with the game. Instant replay, lack of parity and ridiculous fines and penalties are all destroying football. Games are taking four hours because it takes 20 minutes to decide whether a play if reviewable or not; the Patriots are killing everyone every year despite a salary cap designed to eliminate dynasties; and the days of Lawrence Taylor laying out a QB or Ronnie Lott blasting a Wide Receiver are gone for fear of penalties and fines. I just can’t imagine why they call it the, “No Fun League.”

And so I still buy my underwear at Wal-Mart, just like I sometimes still watch football on Sunday, but it’s too bad this once great game has turned into an ugly episode of “The Apprentice”, except it’s the boss who should be fired this season.

-Matt

Thanks Matt for the guest submission.

If you would like to submit content for review please email us.

Juiced Hands Caught in the Cookie Jar

Posted by Guest on December 19, 2007
Posted in: News, Sports. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a Comment

To a four year old, the cookie is a paramount prize. This circular disc of goodness, though placed in a cupboard out of reach, must be had by any means. The child is clever and finds a way to claim his prize, but inevitably he is caught . He has only one explanation for his displeased mother, “No I didn’t.”
Sound familiar?
Just ask any Major League Baseball player who’s been accused of doing steroids and you will get a similar answer. There are a few standard responses going around. So far, the three most popular are:

The cookie jar line – “Nope, didn’t do it, wasn’t me”

The teary eyed cop out – “I only used once”

And my personal favorite – ” “I had no idea it was ‘roids.”

We’ll start with Roger Clemens, who is towing the cookie jar line. He has sternly denied the findings of the Mitchell Report that accuses him of using steroids. I’m sure the baseball world would love to believe The Rocket, but how are fans to ignore his down slope in the mid-90s, followed by shocking Cy Young awards in ‘98 and ’99. And this is not even taking into account his Bonds like, 40+, surge with the Astros? It is true that Paige, Ryan and Neikro all had 40+ success as pitchers, but none of them gained 50 pounds after their peak. The abundance of players admitting to the truth of the findings is also damning to Clemens. So will this be a Marion Jones repeat? Will Clemens give a crybaby confession five years from now? Don’t be shocked if he does.
The next cheater is teary eyed Brian Roberts who claims that he only used steroids once and was so ashamed he never touched it again. That one shot must have been powerful. Roberts was an all-star in 2005 and achieved career highs in home runs, RBI’s, slugging and batting average. He hit four home runs in ‘04 and a miraculous 18 in 2005. One shot huh?
Last, but certainly not least, is Mr. Barry Bonds and his story about how he didn’t know he was doping. At least you have to respect the creativity of his bullshit rhetoric. “Never knowingly used steroids,” is reminiscent of, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” When it comes to the word “knowingly” – I know that if my head grew from a 7 and 3/8 to a 9, I’d be curious as to what substance was being shot into my ass or rubbed on my biceps. I guess Barry didn’t think of that.

I say if we really want to know who’s using the juice and who’s clean, we shouldn’t ask an ancient U.S. senator, we should ask the hat makers.All the players have to order hats and batting helmets, right? The best way to tell if they are juicing is to look at the sizes of each suspected player over the years. If from 1995 to 2003, Bonds’ head grew two inches, then he’s had his hand in the jar.
Despite the guilt of any individual player, if anyone should be indicted for steroids, it should be Bud Selig. The same Selig who stood next to Mark McGwire after his 62nd home run, knowing full well he was shooting up. That was 1998. Nearly a decade later, and a great deal of damage to the game later, in December 2007, Bud finally declares a, “Call to action.”
My call to action would be a no confidence vote by the owners, followed by a resignation by the former Brew Crew owner. Shamefully, that will never happen.

And speaking of shame, it is true sad that the great game of baseball will always have an asterisk over the last 15 years,

Thanks Bud!!

-Matt

Thanks for the guest submission Matt. See you at the gym, and by the way I have that stuff, so bring the cash.

If you would like to submit a guest submission email us.

Enjoy Butt Sex and Pork This Chanukah

Posted by Guest on December 9, 2007
Posted in: Religion. Tagged: , . 1 comment

I should start this post off with a warning… It may offend jew..Err.. I mean – you. My ideas are not all that shocking to most, but to a more orthodox thinker, they may come off as offensive or even anti-Semitic. I have no ill will for people of the Jewish persuasion. I think those little skull caps are adorable and I do have a fondness for circumcised cock. But again, to clarify, I mean no ill will, I simply write to entertain.

There was a hilarious story in the news the other day regarding an upscale grocery store in New York City. Balducci’s, in an effort to increase sales in its meat department, posted a sign in front of their spiral cut hams reading, “Delicious for Chanukah.” If you’re not familiar with Jewish dietary law you would think, no big deal. However, for the 98% of Americans who don’t live under a rock, it is widely known that eating any pork products is a big no-no for our Hebrew friends and neighbors.

At dinner that night, with a few of my Angry Romanian friends, I mentioned this story and they found it as amusing as I did. Some interesting points were raised about the validity of dietary law and the ascension into heaven. Would St. Peter turn you away for the pearly gates for eating bacon?

I can see the historical validity in these dietary laws, but I think modern times render them pretty silly. Leviticus, (the book of the bible that should have been lost) chapter 11 tells us that certain animals are considered clean, while others are unclean. Ok, so why is this distinction made? My theory, which I doubt is at all groundbreaking, is that clean animals were least likely to cause sickness if improperly stored or prepared. Beef is relatively easy to dry and cook. The only time it is really risky to consume beef is when it is ground and then not cooked properly. Pork on the other hand is a breeding ground for bacteria. Shellfish is also seen as unclean and is a prime cause of food poisoning.

Leviticus also has a few other fun rules for people to live by. These ones, however, are a bit more taxing then simply avoiding a sausage biscuit. Clothing that is constructed with multiple fabrics is a no-no. If you’re a woman don’t even think about buying tampons. Ladies, get out of Dodge and go sit on a clump of moss until your menses has subsided, (oh!) and then sacrifice a dove. No self respecting JAP (Jewish American Princess) is going to do this. Why do Jew’s get to pick and choose which parts of Leviticus are law?

I almost forgot my favorite, Leviticus 20:13, the infamous anti-gay verse. Historically, cleanliness certainly wasn’t next to godliness, and people were walking germ factories. I know today if I choose to “get my gay on”, I make sure my stuff is as clean as possible. Thousands of years ago if you had some butt sex, the health risks from rampant bacteria needed to be considered.

So, as I see it, Leviticus is kind of like the bible’s health manual. A 2000 year old health manual!! How would you feel if all the books and medical journals in you doctor’s office were written in, let’s say, 1840? What if you went to the hospital for vomiting and diarrhea and the staff prescribed blood letting and leeches? Same holds true with the whole pork thing. So this Hanukkah season consider trying the other white meat, it is delicious.

-Jesse

Many thanks to Jesse for his guest submission. You can find out more about him here.

Horny Frat Boy Date Rape Party Play Set

Posted by Guest on November 18, 2007
Posted in: News. Tagged: , . 1 comment

As an avid South Park viewer, I found it amusing when reality mirrored a joke from one of my favorite episodes. In the episode featuring Paris Hilton, all the girls of South Park became obsessed with the air-headed celebutant. A toy was then advertised parodying the infamous adult feature “1 Night in Paris.” The toy, “Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Play Set” included a video camera, “night vision filter, fake money, losable cell phone, and 16 hits of ecstasy!”

Recently a toy called Aqua Dots was recalled for its interesting side effect of turning into the date rape drug when ingested. Aqua Dots are a craft product that has these beads that stick together when sprayed with water. The coating that makes the beads stick together, when swallowed in large quantities, can cause a child to go unconscious, develop respiratory depression, have seizures, and in extreme cases die. Spinmaster, the company that makes Aqua Dots, should take a cue from South Park and re-market its product. So you ask, “How can they re-market this horrible product?”

Simple!!!
Introducing – “Horny Frat Boy Date Rape Party Play Set!”. Be just like a real frat boy! Play set includes a Greek letter T-shirt, a quarter keg of Genny Light, funnel, and 500 Aqua Dot roofies! There is a huge market for kids to live out there frat boy fantasies. If Spinmaster only thought about the misogynistic teenage boy demographic they could bounce back from this recall relatively unscathed.
In all seriousness, how does a product with this kind of side effect make it to market! OK, so you have a toy that looks like candy. Do you…

A. Test the beads to make sure they are safe if eaten
or
B. Fuck it, what kind of retarded child would eat a bunch of beads? And if the little mongoloid does, they deserve what happens to them.

I am kind of disturbed that B. is the approach a major toy manufacturer chose to take. It would only be fitting if the children of Spinmaster management ate some Aqua dots, or even better if their teenage daughters made their own version of “1 Night in Paris”.

I say – enough with these fancy artsy fartsy toys. Give the rug rats a cardboard box and a BB gun. The box will fulfill all of their daily imagination requirements and the BB gun will help weed out the children of stupid parents.

-Jesse