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Let’s try this again.

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on December 31, 2011
Posted in: General Humor. Leave a Comment

It’s 2012 in a few hours (or has been 2012 for most you bitches in the Eastern Hemisphere). What a hell of a ride it’s been for us here at Angry Romanian!

Soooooooo…I know you are probably wondering why this website has been dormant since 2008. The answer, simply put:

GOD SMOTE US.

lol not really…the truth is not that exciting.  The editors, writers, production staff, Julio w/ the sandwich cart, that smokin’ blonde from the third floor, and all the other Angry Romanian affiliates found that other priorities trumped the responsibilities of this blog. Pretty fucking lame, eh?

Worry not my friends. Angry Romanian no longer has to worry about financial obligations. Our secret? A close friend cashed out big in the Powerball lottery and then bankrolled our production company. Once we foolishly spend our generous bonuses we’ll be back to writing.

In the spirit of the New Year and our revival, I present to you the top 20 search engine terms that brought traffic to Angry Romanian in 2011. After reading through the list, I can only imagine what a disappointment we must have been:

20. disassemble ps3
19. anal seepage
18. joe rogan shirt off
17. swirlies
16. women with snakes
15. snake eats girl
14. girl with snake
13. suvs suck
12. shampoo dildo
11. disguised dildo
10. snake sex
9. celebrity death pool rules
8. angry chinese woman
7. cat algorithm
6. pork sex
5. cum in nose
4. male pornstars
3. old man standing
2. kwanzaa

And the most common search term for 2011 with 494 views:

1. dora the explorer porn

uh. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Ignoring all of the other weird shit on that list, Dora the Explorer Porn?  Really?  I make a reference to the obvious design blunder of the Dora the Explorer Aquapet and 494 of you turn up here hoping for little girl cartoon porn?

That’s pretty fucked up.

Happy 2012, I guess.

Clean Or Dirty?

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on February 8, 2008
Posted in: Health. Tagged: , , , , , . 5 comments

There are a lot of nasty things that you will find in a person’s bathroom. I don’t need to go into detail here…you probably all have at least one thing in your bathroom that would make your mothers upset. My apartment bathroom is no exception. It’s not everyday though that I find something that grosses me right the fuck out. In college I lived on an all male dorm; the things I have seen in a group bathroom would make Mother Teresa nauseous. That being said, I yesterday found a toothbrush lying right next to my Irish Spring bar soap in the shower. I use my soap to wash all the parts of my body. If one of my roommates wanted my balls in their mouth, I could have teabaged their ass and skipped the middle man completely. On the flip side, I don’t want somebody else’s saliva to be transferred to other parts of my body. It is goddamn nasty.

If that wasn’t disgusting enough, I today found a dildo in my shower. It was nestled all inconspicuous like right next to the shampoo and body wash almost like it belonged there. I didn’t even notice it was there until I was nearly done showering. So I know you are thinking “so what. It is a dildo.” right? Well, a disturbing fact is that there are four people living in this house, and not a single one of them is female.

CLICK HERE FOR DILDO

That picture is not setup in anyway, but sits exactly as I discovered it. The burning question in my mind is, who’s ass has it been in? It isn’t the first time that this kind of thing has happened; one roommate thought it would be funny to sculpt my soap into the shape of a penis. Why? Well, he is obviously a flaming homo in denial. What he doesn’t know is what I did to his body wash. :D

CLICK HERE FOR PENIS SOAP

A reoccurring theme? Most definitely. I guess the old saying is true: All the soap in the world won’t wash the gay away.

Ebay Ebey Obey

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on February 1, 2008
Posted in: Consumerism. Tagged: , , . 2 comments

I’ve been a member of Ebay since 2000. After recently cleaning through boxes of old stuff, I began to sell off the contents of boxes of shit with no sentimental or personal value. Some of the smaller stuff is actually fetching good prices, while fewer items sell far short of what I had expected. Either way, it is nice to supplement my income. I definitely need that extra income too…student loans and crack rocks get expensive.

Upon closer inspection I realized that my selling endeavors with Ebay weren’t exactly as lucrative as I thought. A breakdown of the listing insertion fees, final value fees, extra fees, and other unexplained fees were costing me a hefty portion of what I was actually netting. To make matters worse, Ebay owned Paypal then takes an additional 3% off of the top of all Ebay payments (deducted from the seller, not the buyer). When all was said and done, I was getting the proverbial dick, balls deep from the Ebay empire every time I sold something.

*I now realize that the term “balls deep” may not make sense to you. In a previous post I used the term “balls deep” and received 2 emails asking what the term meant. No joke. So, allow me to explain. Imagine that you have a phallus shaped sword. The hilt of this sword is shaped like a set of testicles. Now, if you were to plunge this sword into a person all the way to the gonad shaped hilt, it would be “balls deep”. I know that is a little elaborate, but the volume of “virgin” readers here at AngryRomanian don’t seem to have a grasp on the physics of sexual intercourse yet. I would say “don’t worry…you aren’t missing anything” but that would be a completely dishonest statement. Anyways, back to my point.

I rejoiced yesterday when I discovered that Ebay has decided it prudent to lower insertion fees for sellers. Additionally, Ebay has now dropped fees from certain things like gallery listings. Unfortunately, Ebay stills bans the sale of Laotian slaves. But you can purchase entire porn companies. Wish I had $100K.

So what did I do then? I did exactly what they wanted me to do. I put up some auctions. What can I say…I am a consumer whore (and how!) falling for every disguised shit sandwich that Ebay shovels down my throat.

Obedience is delicious.

Driving Is Expensive

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on January 28, 2008
Posted in: Politics. Tagged: , , . 12 comments

Our justice system in this country is FUCKED. I use caps to emphasize the level of fuckedupness in which the United States legal system exists.

I was involved in a low speed 5 car pile up about a year ago. The 90 year old woman that caused the accident mistook the air in front of her car for a deer, and locked up her brakes to avoid hitting it. The 90 year old woman drove off after realizing that the air deer had vanished into mid air. She did not realize that the 5 cars following her for the better part of 4 miles had slammed into one another as a result of her brake check.

As everyone outside examined their cars for damage, I realized that my 1988 Pontiac 6000 had left a 3 inch black smudge on the rear bumper of the car in front of me. The other cars drove away, but Mrs. OMFG MY NEW CAR quickly called the cops to the scene. As required by law I was given a “Following Too Closely” ticket and we went our separate ways.

In the courtroom, the case before mine involved an 18 year old man that had been charged with one count of “Possession of Marijuana”. He pled guilty. The judge, a miserable ugly bastard, sentenced him to 8 hours of community service and a $50 dollar fine. With consequences like that, I am sure he will never do it again. He even asked the judge if he could have his smoking “paraphernalia” back. At this point I was in good spirits, thinking that if a kid arrested for smoking the reefer got off easy, mine might get dropped altogether.

I was really fucking wrong. I explained how the accident occurred to the judge, explained that 4 other cars were involved, and that the black smudge on the woman’s car cost my insurance company $70 to fix. The judge then shocked me with the words that came out of his yellowed, fat lips. “Mr. XXXXXXX, the maximum fee for this offence is $300, but I am only going to charge you $225. Additionally, the court fee is $75. You can pay the woman to your right”.

Arguing with a judge is a bad idea. Arguing with a miserable Irish judge is even worse. I asked how a man guilty of an illegal drug received the fine he did, and my unavoidable accident cost me 3 points on my license, a 15% rise in my car insurance, and $300 court fine. I even declared the law faulty. The stupid Mic bastard judge didn’t really see things my way. He was quickly angered, and increased my fee to the maximum. A nice police officer then escorted me out of the courtroom.

Call me a weirdo, but in what world is this kind of shit right? It doesn’t matter what drug it was. He intentionally broke the law. My accidental bumper kiss carried a pretty serious monetary impact for me, yet Mr. Pothead’s replacement bag and a new piece was less than half of what I spent in court fees.

So what’s the moral of the story? Don’t drive. Smoke weed instead. It isn’t as expensive if you get caught.

Should Of Had A Fosters Instead

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on January 25, 2008
Posted in: News. Tagged: , , , , , , . 6 comments

For those of you who live under rocks and such, Heath Ledger passed away on January 22, 2008. His bed was sprinkled with sleeping pills. Police have not yet released the official cause of death.

In other news, my neighbor planted some bulbs this morning. Hopefully we will see a nice array of tulips and such come the spring time.

Seriously though. Heath Ledger was an okay actor for being an Australian wanker. His films included a movie about a knight that wasn’t a knight but became a knight in the end, a broken mountain, a movie about Grim Reapers, and a movie called Candy about drugs. Go figure.

The more pressing issue surrounding his death is that the release of the movie Dark Knight will now be put on the back burner. Ledger, who had been cast and was already finished filming as “The Joker”, is now dead. This wouldn’t be a problem (as we saw with the move The Crow) however the marketing and advertisement folks at Warner Brothers are worried that this image carries a very negative (and ironic) connotation. So. My mom made a casserole once.

Oddly enough, the upcoming movie Dark Knight is intended to be a remake of the 1989 masterpiece Batman. The post production Dark Knight is a sequel to Batman Begins, which is really a prequel to the original Batman, which makes Dark Knight a mathematical recursive loop. Mathematicians at Stanford University have released a statement saying “the recursive Batman loop is in no way connected to the death of Heath Ledger”.

The original Joker of the 1989 Batman was played by Jack Fucking Nicholson. His performance as “The Joker” is widely considered as his best, or maybe his appearance in Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining was his best…either way, he was pretty fucking good. If I were Jack Nicholson, I would be pretty pissed that some Shrimp on the Barbie bastard was trying to outdo me. Maybe Jack Nicholson killed Heath Ledger…(DUN DUN DUN!).

In Hollywood, there are several actors which you never, ever try to duplicate. It is an unwritten rule. I know you are thinking “but Ruko…how the fuck do you know anything about Hollywood?”. Well, the truth is, my eldest cousin is a big-wig for Universal Studios. If I owned a television, I could probably find a show, movie, or program on television every hour that he was directly affiliated with. That aside, he is in the know, which makes me a little bit in the know.

Actors such as Al Pacino, Robert Dinero, Paul Newman, Robert Duvall, and Jack Fucking Nicholson are untouchables; trying to remake something they did really pisses off the Hollywood gods. When the Hollywood gods get pissed, they release upon us a swarm of chick-flicks, another Star Wars Episode, or a plethora of not so new and not so exciting reality television series that sweep the country. Mr. Ledger should have known better, and the Gods of awesome movies have killed him with lightning bolts and shit.

Eh. Either way, I am pissed that I didn’t put Heath on my Celebrity Death Pool list. He would have been a money addition.

El Chombo Chacarron Macarron

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on January 18, 2008
Posted in: Videos. Tagged: , . Leave a Comment

Occasionally I will come across something that just really blows my mind. In fact, I was so impressed with this video, I let the kidnapped hobos I keep in my basement come up and watch it. I then beat them and chained them back to the damp cinderblocks. They agreed that the video was indeed pretty funny.This video is old. In the world of teh internets, it’s already a classic. I don’t know where I have been that I missed this for over a year….oh yeah…that’s right. I had a life that didn’t revolve around stupid shit on the Internet. Now that I gots me a fancy Bachelor’s degree I am back to being bored and spend much of my free time surfing YouTube. You should see what I do on the weekends.

Anyways, watch this video. If you have already seen it, too fucking bad. This video only has about 15 million hits, which is a fairly small percentage of the 1.3 Billion internet users on the planet.

Enjoy. Or don’t, I really don’t give a fuck.

New York State Definitely Blows

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on January 11, 2008
Posted in: Culture. Tagged: , , , . 4 comments

What is the worst thing about NY? Well, that is a tricky question. To help illustrate why this is such a difficult question, here is a simple scenario.

You walk into a room. On a very long table sit equal sized piles of shit from every breed of dog on the planet. Pretend each pile of shit represents one aspect of life in New York State. All of the piles are all fresh and still warm. Now, you have to eat one of the piles of shit. Which do you pick?

Early Wednesday this week, winds hitting 60+ mph and hurricane like torrential downpour battered Western NY with such a fury that power has still not been restored to certain parts of the area. On Tuesday, temperatures hit 69 degrees, shattering a record high of 56 degrees set in 1942. Four days before that, the temperature dropped to 12 degrees Fahrenheit with a 20 mph wind chill about -5. One week prior to that, we received 2 feet of snow in an hour. With that being said, I think the weather here might take the cake.

The weather in western NY might be the worst on the planet. No joke. It is classified as a “Humid Continental Climate” which is really just a fancy of way of saying “really fucking erratic weather all year round”. It isn’t even that uncommon to see weather like we have had this past week. It isn’t the worst by a long shot either. We get snow in June on occasion, summer like conditions in the middle of winter, and the wind here blows more than Jasmine St. Claire on the set of “The Worlds Biggest Gang Bang”. Temperature extremes in the summer and winter kill off the elderly faster than a good old fashion influenza pandemic. Have you ever seen a flash flood? I have. We get them about 3 times a year. Tornados? Yup, we get those too. Par for the course.

I guess the positive aspect of our shit climate is that we get sick all the time. The ranging temperatures really fuck with your immune system, and all that water in the form of rain, sleet, golf ball sized hail, or several feet of snow provides a breeding ground for disease not unlike that of Pamela Anderson’s crusty vagina. New York residents get the cold and/or flu an average of 2.6 times per year. But how is that a positive aspect you ask? Being sick is inevitable. Once you get sick though, you can share it with all of your close friends, roommates, and co-workers! Like the old saying says, “if you can’t beat ‘em, sneeze in their face so they get sick too”. I don’t know who said that, but I am sure they were wise beyond their years.

Moral of the story? Fuck you guys, I’m moving back to Atlanta.

The End.

The Ultimate Revenge

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on January 8, 2008
Posted in: Stories. Tagged: . 3 comments

I am a firm believer that conflict with people should be settled in an adult, face to face manner. Getting revenge by means of damaging personal property has always seemed cheap and cowardly. When I discovered the identity of the person responsible for a key mark all the way down my car door, I could not understand how a person could be such a gutless invertebrate. I retaliated with strait up brute force; I beat his ass bloody, as would any self respecting man. No cheap shots, no hits below the belt, just strait up knuckles breaking face. After he healed up, I saw him out and I did it again, re-breaking his freshly healed nose. Hopefully he wets himself when he hears my name. What I can promise is that it is very unlikely that he will key somebody’s car again.

That being said, there are times when a stealthier revenge must be committed. Many years ago, a friend of a friend (who happened to be the son of a Deputy Sherriff) accosted me in a manner that still fires me up to this day. A physical beating was deserved, but I wasn’t interested in a “get your cracker-ass beaten daily in county jail for assaulting the deputy’s sissy son” sentence. Instead, I sealed a whole 1 pound mackerel in the door of his car.

One pound of rotting fish is potent enough to be smelled by a human from 40+ feet away. Contained within the confines of a car, this odor will turn a vehicle into a fucking toxic disaster. Rotting fish causes a human to uncontrollably vomit, and the pungent smell will attract flies and other animals to the car. In my experience, hundreds of flies found their way inside the car to get some of the good stuff. But the fun doesn’t stop there. Oh no.

Continue Reading

What Happened to Hip Hop?

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on January 7, 2008
Posted in: Culture, Music. Tagged: , , , , , , . 5 comments

This is just a strait up angry rant. There is nothing funny about it. If you aren’t interested in reading my complaints, go and fuck yourself and come back tomorrow when I am not so heated.

During my early to mid teens, rap and hip hop music became somewhat of a phenomenon. This genre was not entirely new; its roots could be traced back to the 1970’s and arguably before that. None the less, it was good.

I’m not playing that “when I was your age…” card. I never had to walk 50 miles in waist high snow, uphill both ways anywhere. I had a tape deck when I was a kid, and we all swapped bootlegged copies of NWA, Digital Underground, Ice T, and of course, the ever popular Run DMC. We liked the music, but had to keep the audible levels down so our parents wouldn’t hear the occasional talk of “hoes” and “niggas”. I got my first CD player shortly after I lost my virginity to my best friend’s mom (I was about 13 at the time). On the way out the door, I made sure to steal it and then threatened “statutory rape!” if she called the cops. Compact Discs really opened up a whole new world to me.

Tapes were out, and the new music was on CDs. The hip hop/rap of the time consisted of groups like Biggie, Tupac, Warren, Snoop, Dre, Method and the Wu-tang, Mobb Deep, Bone Thugs, and all that other classic shit of the early to mid 1990’s. It was fucking solid music and is often still played on radio and found on movie soundtracks. These guys were angry motherfuckers for sure. They smoked weed, fucked with hoes and tricks, and 187’d the fucking pigs down in Compton, ATL, and NYC. It’s no wonder half of them are now dead.

I realized that I was old when I no longer liked the new hip hop released by modern artists. The younger kids I work with love this new shit, and I definitely do not fucking understand. Every time I hear Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girl”, I am tempted to buy airfare to his home and give him a hand with the suicidal problem he seems to have. Soulja Boy? He needs to take a superman flying leap off of a very tall building. I am praying for the demise of Kanye West. I am so sure of his impending dirt nap that I have added him to my list of 12 celebrities most likely to die this year. The only thing more puzzling than the #1 Billboard hit “Low” are the 100’s of youtube videos of pasty as fuck, wanna be ghetto kids shaking their asses (off beat as fuck I may add) to this song. More disturbing is the fact that the lyrics “apple bottom jeans, boots with the furr, tha whole club was lookin at hurr” has spawned an entire fashion statement. I have seen asses in Apple Bottom Jeans with furry boots that should never be viewed by a man. I lost my ability to maintain an erection for about 24 hours afterwards, but it’s okay because T-Pain said so.

Bah. Whats the point. It makes very little sense to me, just like the reason why my urine was neon green and smelled like Oreo cookies this morning. I’ve tossed out my love for the Hip Hop, and now focus on Metal and angry music of Europe.

Guitar Hero: Cool Like Adult Incontinence

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on January 4, 2008
Posted in: Games. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . 7 comments

This post has nothing to do with Depend Ungergarmets, but has a whole lot to do with Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero is the worst game ever created. This is not a matter of opinion. By liking this game, you have forfeited your right to an opinion.

I made a reference about the sheer failure of Guitar Hero before and received an inbox full of hate mail. Before anymore of you dickwads email me saying something along the lines of “how can it suck if it sold 4 million copies?”, let me remind you that Will Ferrell’s movies are guaranteed top box office hits, Nickleback’s last album went platinum, and George W. Bush was elected president. Twice. If you see nothing wrong with that, then you obviously won’t understand my point and are in dire need of about 4 feet of rope and a rickety chair. Email me your address and I will mail out a care-package right away.

Playing a real guitar can be your ticket to getting laid like carpet. Chicks love all types of guitar players; acoustic hippy guitarists, long haired metal bad boy guitarists, emo-as-fuck-slicing-their-wrist guitarist, etc…they all get more ass than a toilet seat. But not Guitar Hero. Playing this game causes a male’s sperm to eat it own tail so that it won’t infect future generations of human beings. The body then endures a transformation so grotesque that no human on earth would ever sleep with you. You don’t believe me? Listed below are pictures of Guitar Hero fans. This many virgins haven’t assembled in masses this great since Star Wars: Episode III hit the theaters.

This guy is just too cool.
Yup. He’s a flamer.
Someone didn’t pull out in time.
My Little Pony-tastic.
As close to an “Oh face” as he will ever have.
Chick or Dude?
Nobody in this room will EVER get laid. Look.

The game play itself is what really makes this game horrible. After six different versions of the game, you would think they would make an improvement someplace, but this is not so. Each release comes with a variety of new and horribly botched cover songs for your enjoyment . The cover songs performed are as pleasing to the ears as the sound of 978 screaming infants, amplified to 140 decibels. Furthermore, the quality of the sound is exceptionally poor.

Lamb of God’s “Laid to Rest” was nothing short of an abomination, as were the covers of “Killing in the Name Of” and “Heart Shaped Box”. Kurt Cobain is not only rolling in his grave; he has assembled an army of zombies and is planning an attack on the Activision headquarters, where he will forcefully insert a Guitar Hero Wireless controller into the colon of every employee in the company. Then Cobain and his army of zombies might nibble on their brains too, but that’s not really important.

Secondly, watching the game play is exciting as spackling your neighbor’s den for free. As colored dots representing notes slide down the neck of a guitar, a CGI band “plays” the song in the background. The graphics are reminiscent of games of the late 1990′s; awkward, jerky, and 2 dimensional (Good job Activision!). The artist renditions of the band members are anime-like; disproportionate and strongly exaggerated. I mean this not in the cool way like a silicone enhanced porn star, rather in the unsettling, not so cool Dora the Explorer way. After watching Guitar Hero for about 20 seconds, my eyes start to pack their shit and threaten to leave. I like my eyes, but Christ, they don’t put up with any shit.

So. Next time you are at a party/shindig/cross burning/gathering of some sort and some asshole busts out the Guitar Hero, do the right thing and asphyxiate him/her with the cord. If they are using a wireless controller, try the “strike repeatedly until unconscious” move.