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Volunteer Firepeople

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on December 30, 2007
Posted in: Culture. 2 comments

Volunteer firefighters may take the top spot for my absolute favorite people. It isn’t because they are brave, or selfless, or good Samaritans. I like volunteer firefighters because they are absolutely, 100% bat-shit insane. I know I’m a little off in the sanity department, but those guys are really crazy. They aren’t even getting paid and they still do it.

It takes some kind of sick desperation to make a man/women run into a burning building willingly. A burning building harbors all kinds of dangerous shit just waiting to hurt you. Exploding glass, basement meth labs, flaming dogs (you know dogs aren’t going to give up the watchdog status just because they are on fire), and all kinds of other burning shit makes going into a burning house a pretty risky bet. Additionally, volunteer firefighters are armed with only an axe and a hose. To tackle an entire blaze, a bunch of firefighters have to come hard and gang bang that bitch.

I am definitely not cut out for that kind of work. I mean, fire is cool and all, but being cooked alive kind of pisses me off. In fact, if I were a volunteer firefighter, I would probably bust out some hot dogs and just let the fucker burn. Besides, if you actually fight the fire, you have to wind up all those hoses afterwards, and I bet that is a real pain in the ass.

I think my early exposure to the movie Backdraft ruined any chance of me ever becoming a volunteer firefighter. That scene where one of the 72 Baldwin brothers (can’t remember which one) saves the mannequin thinking it’s a real girl and then misses out on the vulnerable hero-idolization pussy really hit me hard. To make matters worse, his whole crew then harassed him about it and then beat his ass for being such a nancy boy. I don’t think I could go through that kind of trauma, and you know that the mannequin shit happens all the time in the firefighting industry.

You volunteer firefighters are better men/women than I am.

Where Have All The Llamas Gone?

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on December 28, 2007
Posted in: Stories. Leave a Comment

So I nearly died about a week ago. I know that would make many of you buttholes happy (judging by the volume of hate mail I receive) but it was not meant to be. I sustained a 104+ degree (about 40 C for you foreign readers) fever from 8:45am when I woke up until nearly 4pm that same day. While that in itself isn’t that bad, the influenza had prevented me from sleeping for more than a couple hours per night for the previous three nights. Additionally, I was dehydrated from heavy perspiration. I haven’t been that close to death since my pasty ass got lost in Harlem at 2 am about year ago.

Later that day, I realized that I had been incapable of discerning my thoughts from reality. This wasn’t the “yay I’m tripping like Timothy Leary” kind of hallucination either. This was more like a “drink a gallon of lemon dishwasher detergent and then jam a red-hot pair of scissors into your abdomen” kind of feeling. I was in a lot of pain, I was extremely confused, and my world was a very scary place. And the llamas were pissed.

I spent the better part of 2 hours wandering outside of my house, in the snow, trying to find my llamas. I do not nor have I ever owned llamas. I don’t even know all that much about llamas. For some weird reason though, I thought that I owned a bunch of llamas and they had escaped because of the snow. My tracks on the ground showed that I walked in big circles around the yard, most likely immersed in something as nonsensical as a David Lynch film. I also know that at some point I decided it would be a most excellent idea to remove my shirt. It was 18 degrees (approximately -8 C) outside.

The repercussions of the day would only become known later that night. For starters, I got some minor frostbite. On my nipples. It was obviously not severe frostbite; my nipples were tender like I was ovulating, there was some slight blistering, and the coloring was a bit more purple than I am used to. Had my body not been cooking itself, I would have inevitably suffered some more serious damage. Secondly, I am pretty sure my Chinese neighbors watched me walk around for a while. When I saw them the next day, they yelled something at me in Cantonese, threw and empty can at me, and ran into the house. As I began to think about it, I am pretty sure I would call the police if I saw my half naked neighbor walking in circles in his yard for 2 hours. That kind of shit is crazy.

Because they didn’t call the cops, I am now convinced they are indeed illegal aliens. Well, whatever.

Tone It Down A Bit For Fuck’s Sake

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on December 22, 2007
Posted in: Culture, Religion. Leave a Comment

As the Christmas/Chanukah/Eid Al Adha/Kwanza/Whatthefuckever approaches, I always find myself increasingly annoyed by some people’s display of holiday cheer. While I personally dislike the holiday time immensely, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with showing some spirit…to a point. There are a whole lot of you assbags however, that really don’t know when you have taken it too far.

Now before I go into my rant, this post will apply mostly to certain celebrators of Christmas, Chanukah, and Kwanza. You know why I like the Muslims? Because for their December holiday (Eid Al Adha, or Kurban Bayram? for all of you Turks that frequent angryromanian) they slaughter a lamb and then eat lamb chops. No decorations, no wrapping paper, no bullshit- just kill and eat. The sacrificial slaughter tends to really piss off PETA, but who gives two shits what they think anyways. Overall, Eid Al Adha sounds like my kind of celebration.

For the rest of you who insist on sprucing up trees and other shit around the yard, I have compiled a simple guide to prevent you from overdoing it this year.

Too Many Fucking Decorations – Extremists are always wrong. That includes those of you that take decorating your house/lawn to the fucking max. NASA doesn’t need to see your house from space. Besides you, the only people that really like this is your power company. My neighbors are guilty of this. You would think that Las Vegas was recently built right next door to my house. Unfortunately, prostitutes have not been attracted by the lights; only decrepit old people. I hate decrepit old people.

Inflatable Vinyl Holiday Things – These things are not cute, they are not clever, and the only time I like these is when they are deflated on the ground. Inflatable decorations should be left to frat parties and lonely men unable to find a real companion. Please stop putting these in front of your houses.

Stop Decorating Ugly Trees- I know that Charlie Brown Christmas was an epic Christmas cartoon, but that doesn’t justify throwing lights and glitter on every fucking tree on your god damn yard. Everywhere I go I see this. You should all be very careful…one of these years, that tree you annually load up with glass balls and lights is going to unroot itself, get a World Gym membership, and stick one of its branches up your ass for all of those years of degradation.

Decorating Shit That Shouldn’t Be Decorated – Stop putting a buttload of lights or other holiday cheer shit on crazy crap sitting in your yards. The big red bow on the mailbox, obnoxious wreaths on toolsheds, negro lawn jockeys decked in Christmas cheer, etc…this shit needs to stop. I’ve seen it all and I’m fucking tired of it.

I hope that this little guide has enlightened at least one of you, but probably not.

Like Snakes? You’re A Homo.

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on December 4, 2007
Posted in: Culture. Tagged: , . 2 comments

Snakes are the most terrifying fucking creatures on the whole of planet Earth. I really can’t explain why, but those of you who share my fear of snakes understand. I would rather have my pinkies cut off than to be put into that clear plexiglass box of snakes on Fear Factor. In fact, if I was on Fear Factor and they brought out that box of snakes, I would tear Joe Rogan’s arm off and use it to break a hole in the concrete studio wall so I could escape. I really hate Joe Rogan anyways, so I might tear his arm off even if it was a box full of spiders. I’m totally cool with spiders.

While doing a Google image search today, I managed to find a whole following of men and women that are into “Snake Sex”. If you have never seen it, I encourage you not to, because it’s some pretty twisted stuff. The more I thought about what I had witnessed, the more it began to make sense. Snakes are for men and women that like dick. Yes, you read that correctly. If you like snakes, there is an excellent chance that you like the penis as well.

Think about the phallic nature of a snake; it has a head, the middle shaft or body, and the tail. A man’s penis has these things too, with the exception of a tail…unless you consider the spleen the “tail” of the dick. In the words of Robert Shimmel, “who’s to say where the spleen ends and the dick begins?”

I’m not the first to make this observation. This snake shit goes back a long ways in time. Medusa, Cleopatra, Adam & Eve, Steve Irwin, etc. You know what the serpent really said to Adam in the Garden of Eden? It wasn’t some bullshit about apples. It’s true; ask a Jew about the old testament. Why do you think rattlesnake surprise isn’t on the list of “kosher shit”?

Look at the movie Snakes on a Plane. Isn’t it funny that the lead actor is a black man? No stereotypical big black dick jokes needed here. You know Samuel L. Jackson tore the ass out of that hottie behind the set. You don’t have to be a philosophy major to know that movie was about big scary dicks with venomous teeth. They didn’t even look like snakes.

I then began to think about all of the people I have known that have owned snakes as pets. The men were either super macho or somewhat feminine, and the women were usually good looking, aggressive, and sexually promiscuous (in any of the aforementioned cases, big fans of penis).

As much as I hate snakes, if my penis could unhinge it’s jaw and eat a whole bullfrog, I think I might have to try it.

~rUkO

This Van Will Kick Your Ass

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on December 1, 2007
Posted in: Religion. Tagged: , , . 2 comments

This Van will kick your ass. You think I’m playing? Why do you think it’s in that cage? Chuck Norris himself is scared of this van. This van once killed 5 armed Turks with its own hands. This van got shot 5 times in Nam, and still laughs about it. This van pulls a 10.2 in the quarter. On diesel. And it has a gasoline engine.This van makes corvette owners feel like they have a small penis. Again. In mother Russia, you do not drive van. Van kills you and your entire family. This van would roundhouse your girlfriend’s face for wearing makeup (vans hate makeup). There is also new evidence to suggest that this van may also be directly involved in the Sobe scandal.

Okay. Seriously. You think that’s ridiculous? I agree. Nearly as ridiculous as putting a beat to shit van in a tight chainlink fence-cage. What functional purpose does this cage serve? It’s not going to stop the van from getting egged (this is a big thing up here…I’ve been egged 4 times in the past year and a half). It’s not going to keep the van protected from the shitty Northeast weather. *if* somebody wanted to steal this van, a chain link fence isn’t going to stop them…not in a desolate, unlit parking lot. That’s besides the point though. It’s a rusted 1988 Dodge B350 van. A crackhead wouldn’t steal this van if it was unlocked and the keys were in it. At night. In Compton.

A friend of mine suggested that the cage is there to protect against rogue basketballs. I considered this, until I drove by the place to see the portable basketball hoop in the picture at the other end of the parking lot, where a game of 3 on 3 was in progress. So much for that theory.

Its paranoia like this that induces violence. I wouldn’t have paid a bit of attention to this van if it wasn’t for the cage around it. Now I have this urge to fuck with it. I’m not going to though. It’s a church van…I don’t need that kind of bad karma.

I Like Pie

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on November 27, 2007
Posted in: Culture. Tagged: . 5 comments

I have a great deal of respect for female porn stars. It’s not everyday you find somebody willing to do absolutely disgusting and humbling sexual acts for a grand or two. But why do I like them? It’s not for their silicone enhanced breasts or acting abilities. The answer is simply that they have a fucking awful, degrading job, and they like it. That makes them a better person than myself, because I have a fucking awful job, and I go home and cry myself to sleep every night.

Comparatively, female porn stars have less of a conscience than assassins. It’s true. Female pornstars are well aware that people are viewing their work for one reason, and one reason alone, and they are oddly okay with that. The average hitman leaves the industry after 8 years due to moral issues with the job. Not female porn stars though…they get forced out after approximately 12 years when they start to look old and are no longer marketable. Assassins’ will usually exercise a “no women, no children rule”. Female pornstars aren’t nearly as selective. Men, women, animals, household items…you name it, and there is probably a website full of women fucking it. If you don’t believe me, please reference the PG-13 rated website about two girls and a cup. And that is definitely not the worst. Trust me. I’m a connoisseur. I know.

I mean, paying a hitman in Brooklyn 1000 bucks to pull a trigger and paying a woman 1000 dollars to take a shot of cum from 3 guys in EVERY mucus membrane while being filmed are two very different things. Assassins know that if they are whacking somebody, the target individual must have pissed of somebody bad enough to justify the bill. They sleep well at night knowing that the people they have killed were most likely flaming assholes. I am surprised that a female pornstar can sleep at all. Besides lacking even a shred of dignity, realizing that thousands of lonely men will be jerking off to your exploitation on screen would really bother me…and that’s saying a lot, because I’d kill your grandmother for a large pizza.

It’s important to note here that I am not really a fan of male pornstars, mostly because it’s not a bad job. Besides the danger of crossing swords, male porn stars have it pretty good. Most of the females in porn are pretty hot. Not the guys though. To put it bluntly, some of the male porn stars in the biz are absolutely fucking appalling. Ron Jeremy? That guy gives Ugly nightmares. And he isn’t the worst looking of all of them. Trust me. I’m a connoisseur. I know.

The worst part of a female pornstar’s job however, is the stigma that follows the job. They will never again be respected by family members, they will have a difficult time finding a non-pornographic job (many businesses include a clause that prohibits any relationship with the pornography industry in any way as a PR thing), and have an exceptionally difficult time finding a relationship outside of work (unless you guys are into other men/women/whatever fucking your girlfriend).

So…regardless of whether you work in a assembly line at a factory or mop up cum from a XXX theatre floor, realize that regardless of how bad your day is you won’t have your head crammed into a toilet while your ass is violently pounded.

~ruko

Ass: the Great American Billboard

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on November 24, 2007
Posted in: Religion. Tagged: , , . 2 comments

I would just like to start by saying that this post took me 7 hours and 26 minutes to complete. Not because of the content, but while searching for images I found more porn than I could handle. It’s always funny how you can search for something completely benign like “pants” and find a picture of some chick shoving a 18″ industrial sized dildo in her ass. Try it; turn Google “safe search” image filtering off, and do a search for “pants” and browse about 10 pages into the search. Do it. You will love it…if you are into really sick and twisted shit.
I must have missed the memo explaining the thought process behind pants that have writing across the back of the ass. I don’t get it. This is almost exclusively a female fad. Do you want to know why men look at womens tits and asses? It’s because of low cut shirts and writing on the seat of pants. It’s not our fault.
Due to the urgings of a loyal fan, I’ve compiled a list of 10 things that should not be written on the ass of pants. This is not an exhaustive list by any means…just some absolutely terrible things written on the back of sports pants, sweat pants, and those little sexy shorts that women wear. Check out the rest of this article with pictures after the jump.

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“Black Friday” aka “You’re A Stupid Motherfucker Day”

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on November 23, 2007
Posted in: General Humor. Tagged: , , . Leave a Comment

It’s not often that Corporate America pulls the wool over our eyes.

Actually, I don’t know what the fuck I am talking about, because that is obviously the most asinine thing I have ever written. Let me start again fresh.

Corporate America thrives on the fact that we are morons, willing to buy into whatever bullshit they throw in front of us. Black Friday is the perfect example of this, drawing millions of lower and middle class people to the stores at the ass crack-o-dawn. They then line up in hopes of buying a seemingly expensive product for a seemingly lower than normal price. The deals appear so good that these people will stand in line for two, three, four, five, six hours in a full spectrum of weather conditions in hopes of getting a target item. When the doors open, these people sprint into the stores as though it were el encierro.

With thousands of people packed shoulder to shoulder, the lines inside stretch as long as the lines outside. If you have ever seen this, you will quickly recognize that not a single person is smiling. If you were born of a higher class, have a college education, or have an IQ above 100, you realize that getting up at 12:14 AM to go and wait outside of a store until 5 AM is absolutely fucking retarded. I would rather fluff for the World’s Biggest Gangbang.

So, back to the part where you are a stupid shitbag for going out shopping on Black Friday; all the stuff that you bought? Yeah, you just been had. You honestly think that a store can hand out cameras at the door, sell laptop computers for $200, and/or *Insert item you bought here* ___________ and not make money while doing it? It’s called “Black Friday” because it puts a store way into the black in the store’s ledger (meaning they make a lot of money for you financially inept readers out there). They make money even if they make you think they are losing it.

This is possible because it all gets shipped over from China, and it hardly cost the stores anything. So, while you payed $400 for that LCD television, realize that six 12 year old Chinese children got paid $.43 to assemble it. And it will break (nearly 32% of all products purchased on Black Friday are exchanged within a month of purchase), because their level of QC isn’t all that great. I mean, aside from Date-Rape Drug containing Aqua Dots, botoxin laced Cat and Dog food, and fun with Lead laden Curious George, China doesn’t really know what QC is.

So, here’s a breakdown. You altered family time on a holiday to go and get ready to stand in a line for hours, run into a store, spend a few more hours waiting in line, and then purchase sub-par shit that might hopefully poison or otherwise harm you and your family.

Me and the rest of the editors slept in.

My God, Your God, We All God, iPod?

Posted by Ruko the Wonder Dog on November 16, 2007
Posted in: Religion. Tagged: . 2 comments

There are literally hundreds of religions in the world. Every single person that embraces one of these religions feels that their god is the only god. Additionally, each religion says that there is no room for the god of another religion and non-believers are going to some really bad place when they die. Anybody else find a bit of problem here? Are we to believe that at the very least, some 4 billion people are wrong about religion?? That’s a pretty bold statement, and I’m not fucking buying it.

Here is a breakdown of the top 6 religions and the world population percentage of each.

33% Christians
20% Muslim
13% Hindu
6% Chinese Universists
6% Buddhist
5% Worshipers of Steve Jobs
.2% Judaism

But wait a second…that’s only 83% of the worlds 6,626,666,292 (approx) people. Where are the others? The last 20% of the world’s population is composed of believers in Spirits and Deities (Shintoists, Pagans, Tribal Religions), Aethiests and Agnostics, and a bunch of other weird shit that I don’t really care about. Judaism represents a relative very small percentage of the population, but they are listed as an honorable mention because Manischewitz sent the editors here at Angryromanian.com a case of kosher wine in response to the “Mel Gibson is a Fucking Nut-Case” post.

The truth about the gods is that all of the gods co inhabit heaven and fight over the majority following of souls on earth. Every 500 years, they have a no holds barred fight for the title supreme ruler of the world.

The below bracket shows the white knuckle results from the past fight.

The projected winner of this upcoming fight is underdog Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who oddly enough isn’t even dead yet. Nonetheless, the Apple corporation continues to gain followers with each clever electronic device is releases to the public. As prophesied, he will die a Martyr somewhere in the year 2011, stoned to death with his own iPods, iButtplugs, iPhones, and the upcoming iGods by followers of the Microsoft faith. Upon his return to Earth, he will lay to waste the Vista users, and Linux/Mac will reign supreme.

~Ruko