I ride with my window down year round so I can give the finger to a fellow motorist if I deem necessary. In NY, I deem this necessary about every 10 minutes if I am in my car. The reasons? Mostly, they are turn signal related. Aside from motorists being guilty of general douchebaggery while behind the wheel, people in NY don’t use turn signals correctly, and it really fucking pisses me off.

A turning signal is a common courtesy to both drivers and pedestrians. It says “Hey guy! I’m making a turn in the direction of my signal, so please take caution good sir!” Misusing the turn signal is on the same level of disrespect as pissing on the grave of your entire dead family. It is in effect saying “I don’t give a shit about anyone else on the road”, and most cops in the United States won’t be bothered to issue a ticket for a directional infraction. In Japan, directional infraction carries the same punishment as public urination, and updated signaling laws have reduced overall accidents by 87% (according to US DOT. it’s on their website). When Asian drivers get in less accidents than we do, we have a big fucking problem.

Several years ago I developed a mental list of things that would designate whether a motorist was an asshole or not. Points were added to a driver’s tally for doing things such as sleeping at a stop light, speed infractions, bright headlights, unnecessary passing, etc. Once the motorist reached 10 points, I would go out of my way to ensure that said driver knew I was pissed off, honoring him/her with my clenched fist, middle finger pointing to the heavens. Below are listed the turning signal asshole designators and the asshole points award for each.

Not Using a Turn Signal – This is the blanket category for the lack of turning signal usage. Most of these people are completely aware that they are not using a turn signal and don’t give a shit that you are waiting for them to pass at the intersection they are turning into. This instantly warrants a mighty “fuck you”, so be sure to award these pricks with a honk and a bird.

Asshole Points Awarded: 14 out of 10

Turn Signal Too Late – These motherfuckers put their turn signal on as they are already turning or after they have completed the turn, thus negating the purpose of the signal all together.

Asshole Points Awarded: 8 out of 10

The Lane Change Game – This occurs when 2 traffic lanes are involved. You put a turn signal on to turn into the other lane and the vehicle in front just kind of merges into it without signaling, cutting you off. This is usually played by “Fuckface in giant SUV” or “Businessman on cell phone in exceedingly expensive sports car”.

Asshole Points Awarded: 8 out of 10

Turn Signal on for 6 Miles – Little explanation needed here…the driver of the vehicle in front of you is completely oblivious to the fact that his/her turn signal has been on for the better part of an hour. A favorite with 80 + year old drivers.

Asshole Points Awarded: 7 out of 10

Turn Signal at Every Road – One of my personal favorites; these people are obviously lost and use their directional at every intersection, street, and driveway without actually making a turn at all. A bonus is that they are usually driving 20 mph under the speed limit.

Asshole Points Awarded: 11 out of 10

Turn Signal in Opposite Direction – The lowest of life forms on this Earth, these shitheads put on a turn signal and then turn the opposite way. Anybody that doesn’t know the difference between right and left should be executed Stalin style. “We need to take your picture against this wall, so please just stand there for a sec. thx!”

Asshole Points Awarded: 2^45 out of 10

Make sure to study these carefully, and boldly display that middle finger when needed. Until legislation allows us to remove vehicles from the road with an RPG, the finger will have to do.

XOXOXOXO-

I dislike engineers. Actually, I hate them. Engineers are the scourge of the Earth; they design things that are difficult to make, difficult to use, and impossible to repair. In fact, only God and Satan like Engineers. Why you ask? Well, simply put, engineers create new and exciting ways for people to kill themselves and others, thus sending lots of good and bad souls to their respective afterlives. This being said, it is the Engineers that are to blame for SUVs, which is the topic of Ruko’s rant today.

In the 1970’s, a bunch of automotive engineers developed the hatch back. After taking a generous portion of mescaline and blowing a line or two, an automotive engineer named Frank Warsaw said “lets have sex with that polar bear at the zoo!”. After his colleagues convinced Frank that it was not a good idea to fornicate with animals from the tundra, he said “lets make the worst vehicle ever!”. In their altered states, it seemed like a good idea in some kind of weird, reverse psychology way and voila! the hatchback was born. Frank was wrong though…the hatchback was not the worst vehicle ever. Frank would never see him dream however; he died in the early 1980’s from excruciatingly painful stomach cancer.

The worst vehicle ever is without argument the SUV (Sport Utility Vehicle). If a truck and a minivan were to procreate and produce an offspring, it would most likely resemble a very tiny SUV. But when that little SUV hit puberty, it would start growing weather stripping in weird places and gain all of the disadvantages of its kind. But…why do SUVs make baby Jesus cry? Here are the top 5 reasons:

(cut on the dotted line and carry in your wallet!)

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1. If you own an SUV, it means you are probably a minority (sorry….its true), a middle aged adult in denial about how uneventful your life has become and convinced that an SUV will “bring the outdoors to your back yard”, or unable to buy that Porsche and over compensating the best way you can.

2. The Gangsta Constant: rim size is directly proportional to drive by shooting accuracy. (OMG!!! More blatant racial generalization!)

3. The gas mileage of an SUV is often on par with that of the Emma Maersk cargo tanker. Hope you can take a second mortgage on your house to fill the tank every morning

4. Only in the United States do owners call SUVs “trucks”. The rest of the world (in places where people will actually buy them) they are considered a car. SUVs are not often sold elsewhere however, as foreign countries know better.

5. SUVs are responsible for nearly 60% of current automotive pollution in this country, making them an effective planetary heater. They have also increased American fuel consumption by 40%, making gasoline much more expensive. Thanks, pricks.

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So, now that you spent your dead grandmother’s inheritance on the down payment of a shiny new Trailblazer, or Explorer, or Escalade, or whatever, you are ready to do all of those sport utility things! Of course, you are not able to do any off roading at all, or trailering anything, or getting a load of mulch, or picking up an appliance from Home Depot, or loading up all of those dead hookers in your basement, or anything that is either sporty or utilitarian. The only sport-like things you can do are forcing all smaller vehicles off the road and using up more parking spaces than a 103 year old woman in a Lincoln town car at a Walmart parking lot. Hopefully your family of snot nosed kids in said SUV will die along with you when your top heavy SUV rolls into a ravine. Those 173 airbags will keep the splatter to a minimum so the rest of your family can enjoy an open casket funeral.

So. If you haven’t already gotten the point, why are you a shithead for owning the most worthless pile of shit vehicle ever? In a nutshell: you are cooking Earth, causing and killing more people in accidents, increasing gasoline prices, fueling the chrome dub market, and really pissing the rest of us off because you take up at least 2 parking spaces at a time. You are an asshole, and the devil has a special place reserved just for you.

That’s all for now…I hope you kiddies have learned something today!