Angry Romanian

Let’s try this again.

Ruko the Wonder Dog — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 22:58:09 +0000

It’s 2012 in a few hours (or has been 2012 for most you bitches in the Eastern Hemisphere). What a hell of a ride it’s been for us here at Angry Romanian!

Soooooooo…I know you are probably wondering why this website has been dormant since 2008. The answer, simply put:

GOD SMOTE US.

lol not really…the truth is not that exciting. The editors, writers, production staff, Julio w/ the sandwich cart, that smokin’ blonde from the third floor, and all the other Angry Romanian affiliates found that other priorities trumped the responsibilities of this blog. Pretty fucking lame, eh?

Worry not my friends. Angry Romanian no longer has to worry about financial obligations. Our secret? A close friend cashed out big in the Powerball lottery and then bankrolled our production company. Once we foolishly spend our generous bonuses we’ll be back to writing.

In the spirit of the New Year and our revival, I present to you the top 20 search engine terms that brought traffic to Angry Romanian in 2011. After reading through the list, I can only imagine what a disappointment we must have been:

20. disassemble ps3
19. anal seepage
18. joe rogan shirt off
17. swirlies
16. women with snakes
15. snake eats girl
14. girl with snake
13. suvs suck
12. shampoo dildo
11. disguised dildo
10. snake sex
9. celebrity death pool rules
8. angry chinese woman
7. cat algorithm
6. pork sex
5. cum in nose
4. male pornstars
3. old man standing
2. kwanzaa

And the most common search term for 2011 with 494 views:

1. dora the explorer porn

uh. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Ignoring all of the other weird shit on that list, Dora the Explorer Porn? Really? I make a reference to the obvious design blunder of the Dora the Explorer Aquapet and 494 of you turn up here hoping for little girl cartoon porn?

That’s pretty fucked up.

Happy 2012, I guess.

Clean Or Dirty?

Ruko the Wonder Dog — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 21:05:20 +0000

There are a lot of nasty things that you will find in a person’s bathroom. I don’t need to go into detail here…you probably all have at least one thing in your bathroom that would make your mothers upset. My apartment bathroom is no exception. It’s not everyday though that I find something that grosses me right the fuck out. In college I lived on an all male dorm; the things I have seen in a group bathroom would make Mother Teresa nauseous. That being said, I yesterday found a toothbrush lying right next to my Irish Spring bar soap in the shower. I use my soap to wash all the parts of my body. If one of my roommates wanted my balls in their mouth, I could have teabaged their ass and skipped the middle man completely. On the flip side, I don’t want somebody else’s saliva to be transferred to other parts of my body. It is goddamn nasty.

If that wasn’t disgusting enough, I today found a dildo in my shower. It was nestled all inconspicuous like right next to the shampoo and body wash almost like it belonged there. I didn’t even notice it was there until I was nearly done showering. So I know you are thinking “so what. It is a dildo.” right? Well, a disturbing fact is that there are four people living in this house, and not a single one of them is female.

CLICK HERE FOR DILDO

That picture is not setup in anyway, but sits exactly as I discovered it. The burning question in my mind is, who’s ass has it been in? It isn’t the first time that this kind of thing has happened; one roommate thought it would be funny to sculpt my soap into the shape of a penis. Why? Well, he is obviously a flaming homo in denial. What he doesn’t know is what I did to his body wash.

CLICK HERE FOR PENIS SOAP

A reoccurring theme? Most definitely. I guess the old saying is true: All the soap in the world won’t wash the gay away.

Shame on you Angry Chinese Driver

Douche Nozzle — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 13:56:04 +0000

We, the editors of Angry Romanian, are horrified by the actions of our former friend at Angry Chinese Driver. Recently that twisted asshole found it necessary to release the personal information of a woman who was involved in an automobile accident with his mother. He irresponsibly posted this poor woman’s sensitive information on his website. How dare he subject Ms. Jing Ye, who lives at 174 Stave Cres., Richmond Hill, Ontario, L4C 0S8, phone number (905)237-4888, driver’s license number Y2001 40207 45729, who drives a 2002 beige Honda Civic LX 4-door, license plate ANSP 868, insured by Unifund Assurance Johnson Inc. under policy number A087AB0428 to such indignities.

Please join us in boycotting Angry Chinese Driver for abusing Ms. Jing Ye who lives at 174 Stave Cres., Richmond Hill, Ontario, L4C 0S8, phone number (905)237-4888, driver’s license number Y2001 40207 45729, who drives a 2002 beige Honda Civic LX 4-door, license plate ANSP 868, insured by Unifund Assurance Johnson Inc. under policy number A087AB0428.

Damn you Angry Chinese Driver. Damn you.

Anyone who would like to send words of support to Ms. Jing Ye are encouraged to phone (905)237-4888, or if you’d like to send a sympathy card please forward it to 174 Stave Cres., Richmond Hill, Ontario, L4C 0S8.

If you are still in doubt as to how truly disgusting the article by Angry Chinese Driver is, hold your nose and click here.

Additionally, I hereby deem it acceptable to add Angry Chinese Driver to your Celebrity Death Pool lists. Karma is a bitch my Canadian friend.

Ebay Ebey Obey

Ruko the Wonder Dog — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 01:06:51 +0000

I’ve been a member of Ebay since 2000. After recently cleaning through boxes of old stuff, I began to sell off the contents of boxes of shit with no sentimental or personal value. Some of the smaller stuff is actually fetching good prices, while fewer items sell far short of what I had expected. Either way, it is nice to supplement my income. I definitely need that extra income too…student loans and crack rocks get expensive.

Upon closer inspection I realized that my selling endeavors with Ebay weren’t exactly as lucrative as I thought. A breakdown of the listing insertion fees, final value fees, extra fees, and other unexplained fees were costing me a hefty portion of what I was actually netting. To make matters worse, Ebay owned Paypal then takes an additional 3% off of the top of all Ebay payments (deducted from the seller, not the buyer). When all was said and done, I was getting the proverbial dick, balls deep from the Ebay empire every time I sold something.

*I now realize that the term “balls deep” may not make sense to you. In a previous post I used the term “balls deep” and received 2 emails asking what the term meant. No joke. So, allow me to explain. Imagine that you have a phallus shaped sword. The hilt of this sword is shaped like a set of testicles. Now, if you were to plunge this sword into a person all the way to the gonad shaped hilt, it would be “balls deep”. I know that is a little elaborate, but the volume of “virgin” readers here at AngryRomanian don’t seem to have a grasp on the physics of sexual intercourse yet. I would say “don’t worry…you aren’t missing anything” but that would be a completely dishonest statement. Anyways, back to my point.

I rejoiced yesterday when I discovered that Ebay has decided it prudent to lower insertion fees for sellers. Additionally, Ebay has now dropped fees from certain things like gallery listings. Unfortunately, Ebay stills bans the sale of Laotian slaves. But you can purchase entire porn companies. Wish I had $100K.

So what did I do then? I did exactly what they wanted me to do. I put up some auctions. What can I say…I am a consumer whore (and how!) falling for every disguised shit sandwich that Ebay shovels down my throat.

Obedience is delicious.

Driving Is Expensive

Ruko the Wonder Dog — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 15:35:38 +0000

Our justice system in this country is FUCKED. I use caps to emphasize the level of fuckedupness in which the United States legal system exists.

I was involved in a low speed 5 car pile up about a year ago. The 90 year old woman that caused the accident mistook the air in front of her car for a deer, and locked up her brakes to avoid hitting it. The 90 year old woman drove off after realizing that the air deer had vanished into mid air. She did not realize that the 5 cars following her for the better part of 4 miles had slammed into one another as a result of her brake check.

As everyone outside examined their cars for damage, I realized that my 1988 Pontiac 6000 had left a 3 inch black smudge on the rear bumper of the car in front of me. The other cars drove away, but Mrs. OMFG MY NEW CAR quickly called the cops to the scene. As required by law I was given a “Following Too Closely” ticket and we went our separate ways.

In the courtroom, the case before mine involved an 18 year old man that had been charged with one count of “Possession of Marijuana”. He pled guilty. The judge, a miserable ugly bastard, sentenced him to 8 hours of community service and a $50 dollar fine. With consequences like that, I am sure he will never do it again. He even asked the judge if he could have his smoking “paraphernalia” back. At this point I was in good spirits, thinking that if a kid arrested for smoking the reefer got off easy, mine might get dropped altogether.

I was really fucking wrong. I explained how the accident occurred to the judge, explained that 4 other cars were involved, and that the black smudge on the woman’s car cost my insurance company $70 to fix. The judge then shocked me with the words that came out of his yellowed, fat lips. “Mr. XXXXXXX, the maximum fee for this offence is $300, but I am only going to charge you $225. Additionally, the court fee is $75. You can pay the woman to your right”.

Arguing with a judge is a bad idea. Arguing with a miserable Irish judge is even worse. I asked how a man guilty of an illegal drug received the fine he did, and my unavoidable accident cost me 3 points on my license, a 15% rise in my car insurance, and $300 court fine. I even declared the law faulty. The stupid Mic bastard judge didn’t really see things my way. He was quickly angered, and increased my fee to the maximum. A nice police officer then escorted me out of the courtroom.

Call me a weirdo, but in what world is this kind of shit right? It doesn’t matter what drug it was. He intentionally broke the law. My accidental bumper kiss carried a pretty serious monetary impact for me, yet Mr. Pothead’s replacement bag and a new piece was less than half of what I spent in court fees.

So what’s the moral of the story? Don’t drive. Smoke weed instead. It isn’t as expensive if you get caught.

Should Of Had A Fosters Instead

Ruko the Wonder Dog — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 21:58:43 +0000

For those of you who live under rocks and such, Heath Ledger passed away on January 22, 2008. His bed was sprinkled with sleeping pills. Police have not yet released the official cause of death.

In other news, my neighbor planted some bulbs this morning. Hopefully we will see a nice array of tulips and such come the spring time.

Seriously though. Heath Ledger was an okay actor for being an Australian wanker. His films included a movie about a knight that wasn’t a knight but became a knight in the end, a broken mountain, a movie about Grim Reapers, and a movie called Candy about drugs. Go figure.

The more pressing issue surrounding his death is that the release of the movie Dark Knight will now be put on the back burner. Ledger, who had been cast and was already finished filming as “The Joker”, is now dead. This wouldn’t be a problem (as we saw with the move The Crow) however the marketing and advertisement folks at Warner Brothers are worried that this image carries a very negative (and ironic) connotation. So. My mom made a casserole once.

Oddly enough, the upcoming movie Dark Knight is intended to be a remake of the 1989 masterpiece Batman. The post production Dark Knight is a sequel to Batman Begins, which is really a prequel to the original Batman, which makes Dark Knight a mathematical recursive loop. Mathematicians at Stanford University have released a statement saying “the recursive Batman loop is in no way connected to the death of Heath Ledger”.

The original Joker of the 1989 Batman was played by Jack Fucking Nicholson. His performance as “The Joker” is widely considered as his best, or maybe his appearance in Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining was his best…either way, he was pretty fucking good. If I were Jack Nicholson, I would be pretty pissed that some Shrimp on the Barbie bastard was trying to outdo me. Maybe Jack Nicholson killed Heath Ledger…(DUN DUN DUN!).

In Hollywood, there are several actors which you never, ever try to duplicate. It is an unwritten rule. I know you are thinking “but Ruko…how the fuck do you know anything about Hollywood?”. Well, the truth is, my eldest cousin is a big-wig for Universal Studios. If I owned a television, I could probably find a show, movie, or program on television every hour that he was directly affiliated with. That aside, he is in the know, which makes me a little bit in the know.

Actors such as Al Pacino, Robert Dinero, Paul Newman, Robert Duvall, and Jack Fucking Nicholson are untouchables; trying to remake something they did really pisses off the Hollywood gods. When the Hollywood gods get pissed, they release upon us a swarm of chick-flicks, another Star Wars Episode, or a plethora of not so new and not so exciting reality television series that sweep the country. Mr. Ledger should have known better, and the Gods of awesome movies have killed him with lightning bolts and shit.

Eh. Either way, I am pissed that I didn’t put Heath on my Celebrity Death Pool list. He would have been a money addition.

Enjoy the Offseason Terell – You Little Bitch!!

Guest — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 00:34:33 +0000

Terrell Owens has always been a little bitch. He has always failed to show up in the big games and he has always found others to blame. But last Sunday set a pathetic new low for the Dallas wide receiver. Owens was brought to tears when asked if quarterback Tony Romo may have been distracted by Jessica Simpson’s enormous rack. Owens lip quivered, his voice shook and the tears all but came drizzling from the edges of his ridiculous oversized shades. “That’s my quarterback,” he choked out several times.
How embarrassing.
This incident could very well go down as the worst crying incident in sports history. Remember Dirk Nowiski’s break down after losing in the 07 playoffs to the Warriors? It was like watching a Werewolf on the Lifetime channel. How about Joe Torre three straight years bawling over getting into the playoffs, only to lose in the AL Division series each year. Tell me Joe, how much sympathy do you expect when your team supplies you with a $200 million payroll? I know, having the AL MVP on your team makes things so damn difficult.
There have been some good sports cries. When Brett Favre lost his father, then went on national television and threw for 399 yards and won the game, he cried and likely half the audience did as well. Michael Jordan’s Dad was murdered the year he led the Bulls to a championship, he shed tears while kissing the trophy. Even Knicks fans felt for him. So if someone dies, I guess it’s understandable, but if it’s because your QB is a pre-Madonna, I think not.
But what is the root of the crying? Well, let’s start with how a sport like baseball used to be played. By men who grew up with nothing but a ball and a stick. How is it played now? By mommas boys who have been given the world by everyone around them because they can toss a ball 90 mph. It’s similar to the way that Randy Moss was allowed to run over a traffic cop or Lebron James can drive 100 mph and not care about the repercussions.
When Lou Gehrig said that he was the, “luckiest man on the face of the earth,” he said it because he felt blessed to have been able to play the game. Not because he wanted to be on Sportscenter and especially not to get sympathy. Like we’re supposed to feel bad for Owens, who could sell his shoes on eBay for more than most of us make in a fiscal year. Sorry Terrell, this isn’t Dr. Phil, keep it to yourself.
The glory days of each of the three major American sports are behind us. I think many of us miss 1980′s basketball, before thug life; 1960′s baseball, before the juice; and the 1990s of the NFL before the instant replay. All we can do is remember the good times. So I suggest turning your numb brains away from the network that ruined sports, ESPN, and maybe go read a book or something.

-Matt

Thanks for the guest post Matt. If you would like to submit content to Angry Romanian email us.

Editor’s note: Before you waste your time commenting on the freshness of this story – We are acutely aware this happened a few weeks back. Publication was delayed due to technical issues with the site.

Internets at Your Fingerstip

The Romanian — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 03:13:32 +0000

If you’re new to angryromanian.com just watch this, if not just watch this.

El Chombo Chacarron Macarron

Ruko the Wonder Dog — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 18:49:48 +0000

Occasionally I will come across something that just really blows my mind. In fact, I was so impressed with this video, I let the kidnapped hobos I keep in my basement come up and watch it. I then beat them and chained them back to the damp cinderblocks. They agreed that the video was indeed pretty funny.This video is old. In the world of teh internets, it’s already a classic. I don’t know where I have been that I missed this for over a year….oh yeah…that’s right. I had a life that didn’t revolve around stupid shit on the Internet. Now that I gots me a fancy Bachelor’s degree I am back to being bored and spend much of my free time surfing YouTube. You should see what I do on the weekends.

Anyways, watch this video. If you have already seen it, too fucking bad. This video only has about 15 million hits, which is a fairly small percentage of the 1.3 Billion internet users on the planet.

Enjoy. Or don’t, I really don’t give a fuck.

Time Warner – Worst ISP Ever!!

Rob — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 20:50:43 +0000

Greetings all, I hope you are having a better Saturday than I am. I woke up this morning free and clear of any responsibilities. No work, no pressing errands, and no Angry Romanian related deadlines or duties. Not a worry in the world. Until, that is, Time Warner ruined my day.

You see, Ruko was scheduled to post a Pulitzer Prize worthy article today on the quality of discourse in today’s global village as it relates to the social phenomenon called the internet. Unfortunately that discourse was silenced by Time Warner’s inability to reliably provide internet connectivity to the entire eastern half of a metropolitan area of one million (say this with pinkie to corner of mouth) people. ETA for recovery of service – unknown. Ability to speak to a real human being at Time Warner – fat fucking chance. Desire to send army of sharks with frickin’ laser beams to destroy Time Warner headquarters – overwhelming.

Ruko couldn’t post his article this morning and is now stuck at work. So here I am, lurking around my place of work, the only place I know that uses the crappy DSL service offered by the crappy local phone company, posting this message. So enjoy these two videos featuring a few of the best unscripted/embarrassing moments in the history of college football commentary, and look for Ruko’s post whenever Time Warner pulls that fucking road runner out of it’s ass and my router starts blinking green again in that oh so reassuring way.

Credit to Ruko for providing the videos

Thats a little gay

Britney Spears